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April 7, 2005
The Lone Vagina
You may think you know a lot about me. But very few people know another side of me: The Lone Vagina. Surrounded by testosterone and penises, I observe the habits of the male sex, much as an anthropologist might study another culture.
Perhaps in other posts I will delve into the male’s inability to pick up the pants lying on the floor and put them in the hamper a mere three feet away, or the inordinate amount of laundry generated by the sex that is not usually thought of as “fashion conscious.” But for today I have a different topic.
One conclusion I have drawn from my studies is that males are incapable of going more than a few moments without reminding themselves that they have fascinating exterior genitalia. As an example, allow me to give you a peek at family dinner featuring the Lone Vagina and the four Peckers.
Tonight the boys were all pent up energy at the dinner table. Milks were spilled, napkins fell out of laps, rice was splattered off the rims of plates. No one enjoyed my French Provencal Chicken Stew, which featured chicken legs and thighs simmered with fennel, tomatoes, onions, thyme and potatoes. I also gave them cantaloupe.
“Mom, I don’t exactly like dark meat,” Finn said.
“I know,” I said. “Eat it anyway. And eat your cantaloupe.”
“I’ll eat it,” Porter said. “I love dark meat and cantaloupe. And sushi.”
“This chicken is hideous,” Drew said, picking up a piece and holding it up to the light as if it were a laboratory specimen. Finn turned to him.
“Don’t you ever talk like that about Mommy’s food,” he said sharply. “She is the best cook in the whole world.”
“But you hate her food, too,” Drew protested.
Finn slugged him, and Drew whacked Finn in the groin.
“OW!” Finn howled. “Drew nutcrackered me!”
He looked at me. “Get it, Mom? Nutcracker? Get it?”
I sighed. “I am well aware of what you have down there, Finn. I get it,” I said.
“Yeah, he’s got a willie johnson and some BALLS!” Porter yelled, hitting his plate with his elbow. Cantaloupe bounced across the floor.
“You have got to be quiet or milk is going to come out my nose!” Finn shouted.
Porter started chanting, “willie johnson, balls, willie johnson, balls, penis and nutcracker, penis and willie…”
“And that’s where your crotch is,” Drew contributed, adding to the family’s anatomic vocabulary.
I looked at Bill. His face was red and he was trying hard not to laugh. I nudged him under the table with my foot.
“Boys, let’s not say “nutcracker” at the table or at school. Porter, clean up the cantaloupe and sit down. Drew and Finn, eat your chicken. And no more talk about willies,” Bill decreed.
“But he nutcrackered me!” Finn said. “I have to say it if that’s what he did.”
“Just say he racked you,” Bill advised him. I cringed. Is “racked” a word you can say at school? Should I email the principal to see? I like to be really clear with the boys on what words they can and cannot say at school.
“Mom, everyone at the table has a penis except you. Don’t you want one?” Drew asked.
Several possible answers went through my head:
– No, I am quite happy with my own genitalia, thanks.
– No, then the whole house would be a mess and no one would eat decent food or have clean underwear.
– No, I enjoy my vagina.
– You bet! I would like to have one for a day just to see why men are so obsessed with them. I would like to know how it feels to have something dangling between your legs 24/7. Why does it hurt so bad when you get kicked in the crotch? And why does seeing a beautiful girl make it react in such an obvious way?
But the Lone Vagina kept these feelings to herself, called an end to dinner, and retreated to her computer to write up her latest report.
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April 13th, 2005 at 12:04 pm, eileen Says:
i am laughing so hard i am crying. thank you!
April 13th, 2005 at 12:32 pm, Karin Says:
You are so right! They ARE obsessed! All of them! If I wasn’t laughing so much, I’d try to figure out why!
April 14th, 2005 at 7:16 pm, Brian Says:
Oh my god! I came across this blog via my fabulous friend Linda, and I’m crying my eyes out from such great humor AND WRITING! This was great! I am a male and everything you said is true. Every man is obsessed with his penis in little ways, and big ways.
And here’s a little secret ladies that men will always deny….
If their own penis isn’t enough, whether they are straight or gay, they always want to know what the other guy is got. No where is this more prevalent than in the local gym locker room. Men who do not adorn a towel, like showing off. It somehow makes them more of a man. And no matter what…men look. Maybe not always with “desire” but definitely with “curiousity.”
June 28th, 2005 at 8:27 pm, Hocz Roland Says:
download cd
The Lone Vagina
January 17th, 2007 at 7:12 pm, My Tiny Kingdom » The Lone Vagina, Part 2 Says:
[...] I’ve written before about being the only female in a house full of males. Last night I was once again surrounded by testosterone. Finn had a friend to spend the night, and Bill and I and the four boys went to a nearby restaurant for dinner. The place was crowded and the kitchen was slow. Bill and I had a drink at the bar while the boys played video games. After about thirty minutes we were seated and placed our orders. [...]
April 6th, 2008 at 5:18 pm, My Tiny Kingdom » In Which I’m All Doocey Says:
[...] years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: The Lone Vagina Posted by Anne Glamore @ 5:18 pm • Southern Comfort [...]
May 29th, 2008 at 5:15 pm, My Tiny Kingdom » Am I Making The Grade? Says:
[...] As she put it, “Clearly you are surrounded by too many men, as you astutely noted in The Lone Vagina. Men cannot be counted on to make tasteful decisions in matters of style or dress. While you walk [...]