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May 21, 2005
Am I Making The Grade?
Sometimes being a parent makes you feel like a hamster in a cage, running furiously on your wheel without ever getting any closer to anything. It’s May and school is almost out. I’m getting lots of reports on my children, but no one is grading me. I decided to do it myself, just so I’ll have some sort of feedback.
Spring Report Card for Anne Glamore
ACCOUNTING
a) Household expenditures
I deserve credit for being able to prepare chicken parts (especially thighs - cheap!) in a number of delicious ways. My reliance on pasta (dirt cheap) is equally admirable. However, my scrimping on groceries could be viewed as an attempt to funnel money to
other sources such as these, this, these or this, none of which benefit the household generally. Therefore, those with a suspicious outlook might accuse me of money laundering (as opposed to actual laundering, which would be a good thing), and in fairness this should detract from my overall grade.
b) Fight With Scholastic Book Club (the same one YOU ordered from at school when you were little)
Last year Finn filled out the tiny boxes on the tissue paper thin Scholastic book order form. He thought he was buying a book called Puppy Patrol Book Club for $5.00. What he had purchased was actually membership in a club of the same name. Neither he nor I read the fine print. The words were too advanced for Finn and I had not yet admitted I needed
reading glasses. I didn’t even see the fine print.
At any rate, large packages of Puppy Patrol products began arriving at the house with alarming frequency, each with a bill for $39.90. Shrewdly, I replaced each in the mailbox marked “Return to Sender.”
Nonetheless, in March I received a letter from North Shore Agency, Inc. (a smarmy debt collection agency) indicating that Scholastic had declared my account delinquent. I googled the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act and wrote North Shore challenging the debt and
demanding that the agency produce any papers evidencing the amount I allegedly owed.
North Shore backed down, and wrote a conciliatory letter declaring that the matter had been closed. Amount saved: $39.90 minus stamp and sweat.
I believe that my use of my legal background and letterhead combined with my tenacity are to be commended.
c) Allowances
My zealousness in dealing with Scholastic is tempered by the fact that I have neglected to pay the boys their allowance since the 3rd week of February. Thus, I owe each twin $3 per week x 13 ($39 each) and Finn $4 x 13 ($52) [grand total $130].
Plus, I have closed down the Bank of Mom because I am so damn busy. Bank of Mom traditionally pays 5% interest per month on all allowance saved. Additional monies
owed the children cannot be calculated due to the speculative nature of actual savings, which would likely be substantial on Drew and Finn’s part and negligible on Porter’s part. My children have lost income, lessons about spending and saving, and the ability to trust their mother when I say that allowance will be paid “soon,” as thirteen weeks is no one’s idea of “soon.”
d) Bills
I am in charge of paying bills for our household, both online and by check. The Voice of Reason and I roomed together in college, and infuriatingly, she was always able to balance her checkbook down to the penny. I did not attempt anything of the sort. I rounded each check up to the nearest dollar and hoped for the best. My strategy has not changed much since then.
You would think that the arrival of online banking would make keeping track of your money easier, but that has not been the case for me. Several large sums of money, for the mortgage, savings, the church, the boys’ education and other unexciting but necessary items are automatically deducted at the beginning of each month. This is supposed to happen on the same day each month but it always comes as an utter shock to me and invariably results in an overdraft.
I always check the amount of money in the account before I pay bills, so I think there is something fishy going on. I believe the bank waits until I pay bills, and then it pulls out the automatic deductions in order to charge us the overdraft fee.
I cannot prove this, but I swear it’s true. Bill says he’s taking over the finances. That’s one job I’ll really miss, almost as bad as I miss hearing from the North Shore Agency.
Grade: D
FOOD SCIENCES
This is probably my best subject. As noted above, I consider both taste and money when preparing dinners. The boys are drinking milk, water or gatorade most of the time. We don’t keep soft drinks in the house. I try to keep fruit, pretzels and yogurt on hand for snacks.
(Keeping it on hand does not mean that the boys will snack on it, but it does make you feel like a great mom.)
I make a sit down dinner most nights, and I have been very good this year about including a vegetable most nights. I have forced beans, corn, broccoli, cauliflower, sweet potatoes, collard greens and carrots on the boys. Porter has eaten it all. Finn and Drew have choked down minuscule pieces with varying reactions, ranging from acceptance to fake vomiting to accusations of child abuse.
I have tried to make it as entertaining as possible. Tonight we are entering the exciting world of artichokes. I got the idea after we were watching the scene in Shrek 2 where all the characters are having an unhappy dinner at Fiona’s parents’ castle. In between courses, everyone, even Donkey, cleans their hands (or hooves) in finger bowls. The boys have been dying to try finger bowls, so voila! An artichoke with butter sauce appetizer
and a finger bowl to splash around in. I predict Porter will be enthralled and that Finn and Drew will be less than impressed.
Grade: A+
BEHAVIOR
a) Respects Authority And Obeys Rules In All Situations
That’s me exactly. OK, most of the time. Additionally, I’m trying to teach my boys to be obedient and follow the rules, even when no one is checking up on them. For example, I’ve convinced them that it’s no use trying to sneak TV time because I will always catch them. (Either the TV will be warm, or they will leave it on a channel other than CNN, the default channel).
I speed every once in a while sometimes occasionally most of the time.
But I never get in the express lane at the grocery with 11 items.
b) Gets Along With Others
With a few exceptions, yes. If you’re one of the exceptions, you know it.
Grade: B+
ADHERENCE TO DRESS CODE
I guess the standard here is: do I look nice and age appropriate? Do I look like a mother, and not a celebrity? If you’re a regular, you know this can be difficult for me. I consulted The Voice of Reason for help in evaluating myself in this area.
I think I look fabulous most of the time. The exceptions would be the times that most normal women do not look good, such as just before going to bed, when I have anointed myself with creams guaranteed to stave off wrinkles and acne (yes - the irony - why am I fighting both at the same time??) and just after waking, when the creams have congealed in my pores and I have morning breath.
However, the Voice told me she read Sexy or Slutty with a sick feeling in her stomach. She believes I was crazy to let Bill decide whether or not I should show my belly button at what was, essentially, a church function. As she put it, “Clearly you are surrounded by too many men, as you astutely noted in The Lone Vagina. Men cannot be counted on to make tasteful decisions in matters of style or dress. While you walk the line between trashy and trendy, the instincts which told you to cover your belly button (and that you ignored) were right. Email me a picture and then call me next time you have a fashion question.”
I think the Voice is being a little harsh. She has always been more conservative than I am. She just started highlighting her hair in the last three years. (Of course, it could be that she’s covering the gray caused by her darling third baby, as she began paying her hair a lot more attention shortly after the birth). I’ve probably had five different hair colors and fifteen different styles in the same amount of time. She says that proves her point. I’m averaging our opinions.
Grade: C
PUNCTUALITY
Perhaps because of my legal background, I have always been extremely punctual. It is bad form to keep a judge waiting. It’s bad manners to keep other people waiting. Except, apparently, my children.
a) Finn’s birthday was in December. We have not yet had a birthday party because it was Christmas, and then it was cold outside, and then it was Spring Break, and then it was baseball, and then….. I’m going to have to schedule it for next week or school will be out.
b) Late allowances as described above.
Grade: D
RESPECTS PROPERTY OF OTHERS
I do when the property is in its appointed place. It’s when Porter’s invention made of 15 hickory nuts, a vacuum tube, aluminum foil and lots of duct tape is in the middle of the kitchen floor, or Finn’s drumsticks are stuck in the refrigerator, or Drew’s sword and shield are in my bathroom that I start to disrespect it. And if your property remains in our designated “neutral territory” (aka “the basket on the fireplace”), I will give it at least three days before I destroy it.
So I would say that yes, I respect the property of others.
Grade: A
COMMENTS
It’s been a wonderful year! Anne has been such a joy to have in the house. She is always so good about running the dishwasher on time, keeping the clothes clean, and providing the family with home cooked, nutritious meals. While she can be moody, exceptionally anal about TV watching and consumption of soft drinks, and snippy when her food is disparaged (not to mention hell behind the wheel of the minivan), overall she has made great progress.
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I made much better grades in school than I am making in life. Sigh.
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May 22nd, 2005 at 11:42 am, Chantal Says:
I think you should get a decadent gift for every grade about a B.
You’ve earned it.
We had a similar issue with Scholastic Books last year. Our daughter bought a book with her tooth fairy money, mistakenly checked off a computer game and we got a bill for $45. What a hassle!
May 23rd, 2005 at 6:45 am, Stacia Says:
I think you should argue with the professor to raise the punctuality grade a bit. You’re very good about regularly keeping us updated here!
And boy, lady, either you’re really generous with teh allowances or I’m a cheapskate — The Girl gets 50 cents a week, and she’s a year older than Porter & Drew!
May 23rd, 2005 at 8:54 pm, Andrea Says:
I give you an A for keeping all your marbles!
May 25th, 2005 at 3:15 pm, Pixie Says:
New reader delurking to say “Heck, you’re doing better than I am!”
I think my median grade is hovering around a D. Although, don’t I get a bonus point for still having all pets, hubby and DC still living?
Thanks for the hilarity!
May 27th, 2005 at 11:52 am, Skin Care News Says:
Skin Care While You Sleep
Bedtime is a good time to use all those fab skin care products:…
May 28th, 2005 at 9:45 am, Perri Says:
I have been reading your blog and really enjoying it. The Book Club story reminded me of my own battle with one. If you want, you can read about it here:
http://lottakids1961.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_lottakids1961_archive.html
Might come in handy in the future!
May 31st, 2005 at 11:34 am, Joelle Says:
“Anne”, I had no idea that you also write extensively in all of your spare time…in addition to driving wildly in the minivan and showing your navel and going to Garbage concerts… As it has rained today, my patients have not come to see me to check on their cancer, so I have sat here at the computer laughing!!!