July 11, 2005

Staredown at the Pool

I had an unpleasant experience at the pool today. Finn and Drew were swimming, and Porter was off somewhere. I wasn’t really worried about him, however, because this summer everyone can swim and I can sit on a chair and read. Which is what I was doing until I was rudely interrupted.

All of a sudden a shadow fell over my book and I looked up to see a tall brunette holding Porter by the arm. He was blubbering like a three year old.

“Is this your child?” she asked.

“Why, yes, I do recognize that boy,” I said.

She wasn’t in any mood to be funny. “I found him climbing on the wall over there, and of course, that’s against the rules,” she said sternly.

“I know it is,” I said. “I sure do appreciate you bringing him over here so I can deal with him.”

I waited for her to say, “No big deal,” and turn around so I could tell Porter not to climb on the wall again. But she didn’t move. She stayed right there where she was, staring at me.

I stared right back.

After a moment it got awkward. “Thanks again,” I said. “It was sweet of you to bring this to my attention.”

“Well, of course I was going to bring it to your attention, because he was breaking the rules and needs to be punished,” she said.

I couldn’t believe this lady. She was hanging around to witness the punishment. What was she, some kind of masochist? I wasn’t about to satisfy her obvious thirst for blood, so I took Porter by the hand and said, “Porter, why don’t you come with me and let’s have a little talk.” We walked straight past her. I could tell she thought I was a wimpy mom who never disciplines her kids.

I led him to the boys bathroom, and snuck a peek behind me to make sure Mrs. Authority wasn’t behind me. She wasn’t. So I knelt down to talk to Porter.

“Porter, you know it’s against the rules to climb on the wall, don’t you?” I asked.

“Yes, ma’m,” he snuffled. “That lady scared me and she grabbed my arm really hard.”

“I know it,” I said. “But just to make her happy, when we go back to the pool, I’ll tap you on the back when we pass her chair and I want you to yell, “Mommy, please don’t give away the puppy! I’ll never climb on the wall as long as I live! Please!”

“But we don’t have a puppy,” my smart boy said.

“I know we don’t have a puppy. Just pretend you’re in a play and those are your lines. Let’s practice them. Now what do you say when I tap your back?”

We practiced a couple of times, then went back on the pool deck.

Just as we passed Mrs. Authority, who was pretending to be reading but was obviously alert to every tiny happening on the pool deck, I tapped Porter’s back and he performed like Lawrence Olivier, complete with sobs and moans over the impending loss of the nonexistent puppy.

Once I got settled back into my chair, I grabbed my book and peered around it to check on Mrs. Authority. She had a small smirk on her face.

Now that we know what it takes to make her happy, Porter is already practicing his lines for next week’s play: “Mommy, please! Don’t lock me in that closet again! It’s too dark!! I promise I won’t climb on the wall ever ever ever again!”

July 8, 2005

Baseball Diaries: The Heat Is On

It is getting hot here in the Tiny Kingdom, literally and figuratively. As the temperatures have hit the 90’s, baseball practices have become more intense as the tournament approaches. The team has played many “practice games” (which are practice only in the sense that they are not part of the final tournament. Everyone still keeps score, tears are shed and uniforms are dirtied.)

Our team is hosting the tournament this year, which is nice because it means we play on our own fields and don’t have to travel through rush hour for a 6 pm game. Despite the fact that we will be in familiar surroundings, I know that a lot of the parents who are new to Allstars are not prepared for the craziness of the tournament itself. If they think that Coach Rob is hard core, they are going to flip when they see some of the other teams, so I sent out fair warning.

*************************************************************************

To: Allstar Team
From: Anne

The tournament is about to start, and I have some last minute details. You already have our schedule for the next few days. Coach Rob wants each player to arrive one hour before game time for 30 minutes of batting practice and 30 minutes of fielding.

1. Etiquette

Please remember that we are the hosts of this tournament. Many people outside the Tiny Kingdom think that those of us who live here are snobby. Let’s dispel this notion. Smile, don’t snarl. If someone looks lost, stop and offer assistance. Be polite. If you really are snobby, please keep your remarks to others to a minimum.

2. Decor

Traditionally the dugout is decorated in some manner. I KNOW the other teams will be decorating their dugouts, based on last year’s behavior. Do not be surprised if other teams show up in identical Tshirts or mount a ten foot long plastic poster with each player’s caricature on it. Do not judge a team’s baseball skills on its supporters’ ability to decorate.

If anyone is feeling arty or balloonish or has a fab idea for a poster (and the materials to make that dream a reality) please email me. My goal is not to create award winning decorations; it is simply to make sure our dugout is not buck naked each game.

3. Equipment Alert

You don’t need to purchase anything else; I just thought you ought to be prepared for the fact that many other teams also go WAY OUT on their equipment. For some teams, it is no big deal for each kid to have his OWN batting helmet. WARNING: often these helmets are airbrushed with lightning bolts or balls of fire and other macho symbols.

If this is going to psych out your player, you have three days to get your own airbrushed helmet. Don’t ask me where; check the yellow pages.

I do have a couple of design ideas: “TCB” with green lightning bolt (make sure you match the green in our uniforms!), nuclear bomb blast with “ANNIHILATION” in Gothic letters, American flag with”America’s Best,” big red heart with “I Luv My Momma” on a banner held up by angels underneath the heart.

4. Anger Management

While the kids have behaved beautifully thus far, I cannot say the same for all the parents. Things are likely to get even more tense under tournament conditions.

You may think we take this game way too seriously given our players’ relative youth. Let me assure you that our team is quite laid back compared to some of the coaches and parents you will see over the next few days. Please realize that each team is different and do not be judgmental.

Thus, if we are able to get an opposing player out, do not flinch if his coach storms onto the field and drags him off by the collar, muttering obscenities under his breath. Similarly, if we happen to beat another team and you are the unfortunate witness of a mother berating her athlete for playing like a girl and then denying him money to go to the concession stand, do not interfere. This is how other people “play baseball.” They keep coming back every year, so they must enjoy it.

5. Conclusion

Go Team!

Anne

July 6, 2005

Exposed

It is only a matter of time before I am exposed as the lying mother I am. When that happens, I have no idea how I will continue to parent my children.

To be fair, they weren’t just my lies, they were Bill’s as well, and his was one of the first to crumble.

Ever since he got a new Honda Pilot, the Warp Speed Button on the car has been a major source of entertainment for our family. Your car doesn’t have one? Ours is a huge square button just to the right of the steering wheel with a large red triangle on it. When deployed, the car instantly goes into “warp speed” mode, enabling us to get up a hill or pass a slow car with relative ease. All the boys love the Warp Speed Button and brag about it to their friends.

Last weekend Bill bought a canoe at Wal-Mart to use at the lake. He paid for it, then he and Finn drove his car to the front loading zone to tie the canoe to his car. Bill parked the car, then turned on his hazards. Finn freaked and quickly pressed the button to turn them off.

“Dad, you just pressed the Warp Speed Button and there’s a lady walking in front of the car with a stroller! You gotta be more careful! You could have really hurt someone!” He was near tears.

“Finn,” Bill said, “it’s time I told you the truth about the Warp Speed Button.” And that’s how Finn learned that our Honda did not have superpowers. It just had hazard lights like every other car. He wasted no time telling Drew and Porter, who refused to believe him until he got in the car and pressed the button. Sadly, the car stayed exactly where it was.

The tooth fairy has also come under intense scrutiny lately. Porter lost a tooth while spending the night at his grandmother’s house, and she was unable to reach us to find out the current value of a tooth in today’s market. After questioning the boys, she appropriately replaced the tooth with a $1 bill, despite their elaborate desciptions of a boy down the street who gets $5 per tooth.

The easy explanation for the discrepancy, of course, is that the tooth fairy leaves her house with the same amount of money each evening, and the money has to cover all the children who lost teeth that day. The brat down the street apparently loses his teeth on days when not many other kids do. That explains why he got ten dollars when his first tooth just fell out on its own, while Drew got two measly dollars when he “lost” his front teeth, which had not been loose, in a bloody wrestling match with Porter.

Although I have given this explanation many times, Porter confided to his grandmother that sometimes he thinks that the tooth fairy is really his parents, but he doesn’t want us to know he thinks that because he wants to trick us.

Porter has also been asking a lot of other questions as well, such as:

“Mom, can I see the eyes in the back of your head? Why not? Why won’t you show them to me? Do they have eyelashes? Why do you need glasses on your front eyes but not your back eyes? Do dads have eyes in the back of their head?”

Drew, meanwhile, has been studying up on road signs. Some dimwit Bill apparently explained to him what speed limit signs look like and what they mean, as well as how to read the speedometer. Drew’s knowledge is hampering my efforts to get my errands done around town in a timely fashion.

Example:

Drew: “Mom, the speed limit is 35.”

Me: “Good.”

Drew: “Are you going 35?”

Me: “I’m going close to it.”

Drew: (straining forward from the second seat) “It says you’re going 50.”

Me: (realizing Drew has learned about speed) “50 is not much more than 35.”

Drew: “But if 35 is more than 50 then you are going more than the speed limit and you are breaking the law. That’s what daddy said.’

Me: (slamming on the brake) “Daddy is right. I am going 35 right now. It is going to take us about two hours to get home at this rate, so let’s call daddy and tell him we need him to get the dry cleaning and go by the vet on his way home from work.”

In order to maintain my usual fast-paced lifestyle without openly flouting the law in front of my children, I have put a big bag of crayons and coloring books in the van and I am encouraging everyone, especially Drew to spend what would otherwise be down time in the van coloring and journaling pictures for daddy.

So far, no one has mentioned the speed limit again.