May 26, 2006

Girls, Girls, Girls

Last night we took the boys, along with Finn’s best friend, to a popular Mexican restaurant. We put the boys at one table and Bill and I sat nearby so we could talk about things other than fart jokes.

As we dug into our burritos, we heard lots of giggling and noticed a booth of preteen girls sitting near the boys. I watched as one of the girls popped her head over the top of the booth and looked at Finn and his friend and said coyly, “How old are you guys?”

Finn and his friend stared at each other in amazement and started to laugh. His friend (big blue eyes, blond ringlets) said, “What is UP with that?”

“It would be polite to answer them instead of laughing at them,” I hissed.

“Not so quick, honey,” Bill said. One of the other girls had gotten up from the table and was prancing to the bathroom. She was wearing a wee red halter top and gym shorts. She’d folded the waistband of her shorts over several times so that the entire length of her bottoms was about four inches.

“Look at her shorts!” Finn laughed. “She’s almost not wearing any.”

“She shouldn’t go out of the house like that,” his friend agreed.

We all resumed eating, and soon the group of girls threw away their trash and headed for the door. They were all wearing shorts in the barely there style, except for one girl in a flouncy pink mini skirt. As Miss Halter Top sashayed by, I saw her look at Finn’s friend and hold her hand up to the head, giving him the unmistakable message: “Call Me.”

Finn and his friend rolled their eyes. “Did you see that?” Finn asked.

“Yeah,” his friend said. “I don’t even know her number. Plus she needs to wear more clothes.”

Then my boys cleaned up their stuff and ran outside to throw the football until Bill and I were finished eating.

“Enjoy this while it lasts, honey,” Bill said after they were gone. “I can’t remember the last time I thought a female needed to wear more clothes.”

May 19, 2006

Dead Pets Society: The Hermit Crabs

When I was looking through my archives I realized that the Glamore family has managed to kill a substantial number of pets. Additionally, I’ve made it clear that my feelings for our current dog are less than favorable. I’ve heard from some concerned animal lovers, and I thought it only fair that I address their concerns.

Today’s topic: The Hermit Crabs

Frankie, Bobby and Clyde, the hermit crabs, were the latest victims of our negligence. While I was in Africa, the boys went to the beach with Aunt Su, their cousins and our babysitter Angela, and they all made a trek to Alvin’s Island. I thought this store was solely the home of the airbrushed bikini, but it must sell other treasures because the boys came home with the three crabs and cage as shown below:

You can click on the link above if you’ve forgotten the whole story, but the short version is that the crabs came, they raced, Clyde died, Frankie and Bobby ran away, and we’ve never seen them again.

We kept thinking that Bobby and his neon turquoise shell might show up, so we never held a funeral. The Glamores forgot about the hermit crabs long ago.

However, a reader named “A Hermit Crab Lover” was understandably upset with the treatment the crabs received from us. The Lover provided a lengthy comment with lots of information about hermit crabs that should be helpful to those of you contemplating such a purchase:

I think mabe before you get pets you should do more research on them. If properly cared for hermit crabs can live to be as old as 20 in captivity! You need to get a much bigger tank (atleast a ten gallon min. for 3 craps.) And some way to keep humidity up to atleast 70%, due to the fact that hermit crabs breath through modifed gills. also, hermit crab food you get in pet stores is not good quality, you should make your own. Hermit crabs should be provided with both salt and fresh water to drink. When a hermit crab comes out of it’s shell it is a sign of low humidity. Also, please do not buy painted shells, they are toxic to the crabs. If you plan on getting more crabs please do some research first. Hermit crabs are not “throw away pets” they are living creatures with feelings just like dogs and cats. I will check back later for yuor reply [sic]

Holy hell! I always thought hermit crabs were low maintenance pets, but The Lover has set me straight. I don’t have any idea how large a twenty year old hermit crab would be, but dang– twenty years is an eternity.

I remember when Finn was born. He wasn’t especially cute, he cried all the time and I found out I’m not much for little babies. I feared that it might actually turn out that I wasn’t a fan of toddlers, preschoolers, elementary students, and so on, but somewhere along the way things changed and I fell in love with my son. Before that happened, however, I comforted myself with the fact that at least I’d only have to deal with him for eighteen years and then he’d go off to college or move out and go live somewhere else.

It turns out you’re potentially making a bigger commitment when you buy a hermit crab than when you have a child. A child born this year should go to college in 2024. A hermit crab purchased this year could live until 2026. In your house.

Also note that The Lover recommends that you make the hermit crab’s food rather than buying it. As a mom who’s already taught her boys to use the coffee maker and make bacon and scrambled eggs themselves, this is a downer. Even if you buy an exceptionally intelligent crab, I don’t think you’ll ever teach it to use the microwave and make its own Easy Mac.

The Glamores will not be purchasing any more hermit crabs. We’re currently on schedule to be empty-nesters in 2017 and I certainly don’t want to have to hang around the house making homemade hermit crab food until 2026.

I’d like to thank The Hermit Crab Lover for this valuable information.

May 18, 2006

Family Planning

I’ve noticed recently that a couple of my favorite bloggers have been wondering to the Internet whether it’s time to have a second child. They each have a toddler and are thinking about the usual things: spacing of children, financial considerations, what if you get two babies instead of one.

Comments are pouring in with all sorts of advice.

Family planning has never been my strong suit. In 1995 I went to the doctor complaining that something was wrong. Despite the fact that I couldn’t zip my pants and had fastened them with a large safety pin, my boobs were tender as hell, and I was so exhausted that every day when my boss left for lunch I snuck into his office and took a little nap on his plush couch, I requested a mono test.

Fortunately, my doctor was smarter than I was, and sent me home with a printout of a sonogram that showed a nine week old baby hanging out in my uterus. That night I taped the picture to a beer and handed it to Bill, who freaked out, too.

When Finn was 18 months old, I was diagnosed with hepatitis C, which I had gotten from a blood transfusion during my first spine surgery for scoliosis. The doctors were unanimous: the disease would require a year-long course of interferon to treat. They couldn’t be sure whether my fertility would be affected as a result. Because hepC is a slow acting disease, the doctors advised us to go ahead and finish our family pronto if we wanted any more children before I began my treatment.

So we left the medical center and headed straight for the mattress. The details are fuzzy, but at first my doctor thought I was having trouble getting pregnant. I went to his office one day for a consult to see whether I needed to be referred to a fertility program, and he performed another sonogram which revealed the presence of two babies we reffered to affectionately as “Baby A” and “Baby B”.

The twins came early. In yet another illustration of the fact that I am not a natural mother, I did not realize I was in labor. Bill and I went out for Thai food, then he fell asleep while we watched “The Usual Suspects” in the den. Sometime later I started feeling like something needed to come out of me, but the movie was getting pretty exciting at that point — Keyser Soze! Soon it was evident that I needed medical attention.

I woke up Bill, we got to the hospital, and thirty minutes later, after an emergency C-section, Porter and Drew were born.

I don’t remember much of the next year and a half. Thank God I took lots of pictures.

But for those of you who may have the same concerns as MetroDad and Dooce, I just wanted to remind you of a few things you may not have considered when thinking about adding to your family.

Buying shoes for one child is challenging; when you must do the same for additional kids you should bring a good supply of gin and tonic with you.

You have to deal with it each time one of your kids gets disciplined at school. Even if it seems funny, you must try not to laugh and act like it really was a punishable offense.

Go ahead and set aside a patch of lawn for the pet graveyard. If you live in an apartment you need to ask someone in advance what to do about guinea pig corpses and so forth. They don’t flush.

Being The Tooth Fairy is an awesome responsibility, and it’s hard to remember, especially when kids start dropping teeth like leaves in the fall. Name a designated Fairy who will not drink on the appointed night so you don’t have to go through crazy shenanigans to keep up the charade.

And my least favorite part of childhood? Dealing with the weekly hell that is the assignment called Letter Share.

So to sum up, I don’t know when I’m pregnant OR in labor. I can’t help Dooce and MetroDad or any of the rest of you plan your families. But I do think you should consider all of the above when making these life-changing decisions.

And don’t forget the laundry.

May 16, 2006

Hanging With Aunt Lulu

My youngest sister (of “Movin’ On Down” fame) came down to visit this weekend and stayed with us. The boys were tremendously excited to have Aunt Lulu in the house. They were intrigued by her visible belly, which we taught them to call a “bump” so they’d be up on tabloid-speak. It didn’t take long for us to realize that Aunt Lulu is at that stage in her pregnancy where she’s pretty much ruled by her stomach.

She got a good look at living in the ‘burbs with boys. I’d made sure her room and bathroom were immaculate Friday morning. But by the time she made it to her room Friday afternoon, Porter had already peed in her bathroom without raising the toilet seat, leaving glistening yellow drops of urine winking on the porcelain. The mother-to-be was completely grossed out, and I sent all three boys in with paper towels and 409 to clean the place up and reinforce the idea that that particular toilet was off limits to them for the remainder for the weekend. I’m pretty sure Aunt Lulu inspected the potty carefully before sitting on it again, though.

Saturday Lulu and I ran by the store to get some milk and orange juice, but we left with much more: three kinds of cheese, fancy crackers, artichoke dip, fruit, muffins, cinnamon rolls, Drumsticks, Klondike bars, ice cream sandwiches, and a gallon each of vanilla and mint chocolate chip. None of these items were on my grocery list but Aunt Lulu was insistent that they had to be purchased to ensure her happiness.

The boys helped unload groceries when we got home. They screamed in ecstasy as they saw the delights contained within the shopping bags, and they fell more in love with Aunt Lulu than ever.

During dinner Finn told Aunt Lulu about the time in second grade when he hit a girl who he described as “a really annoying tattle-tale.” Drew and Porter snickered and acted like they thought it was a cool story until we reminded them that we punished Finn by removing everything from his room except his mattress and a lamp for an entire week.

“Even his Legos?” Porter asked.

“Yes,” Bill said.

“What about his baseball cards?” Drew asked.

“We took them all away,” I answered.

“That was way harsh,” Finn commented.

“Are you going to eat the rest of that hot dog, Finn?” Aunt Lulu asked, looking hungrily at his plate. He handed it over. After dinner Finn gave us a drum concert and Porter and Drew wrestled. Aunt Lulu acted appropriately impressed with their talents.

After church Sunday Lulu and I bought some annuals, then she sat in a chair and ate ice cream while I planted zinnias. Soon Aunt Lulu announced she was craving pasta, so we hauled ass to my favorite Italian restaurant. We watched Aunt Lulu indulge in penne with a yummy carbonara sauce and then eyeball my veggie calzone. I didn’t let her have any.

Although Aunt Lulu left early yesterday morning, we still have lots of leftover food to remember her by. I predict a big, healthy baby.

May 9, 2006

Tiny Kingdom Exclusive: Anne Glamore– Fashion Star!!!

Only The Tiny Kingdom has the exciting details of Anne Glamore’s recent fashion shoot for an important online publication!

Who Anne Glamore, 39

Hometown Tiny Kingdom, Alabama

The Shoot Anne copied a pose made famous by the ever-energetic Angelina Jolie in an attempt to show that real mothers can look just like celebrity moms!! We think she succeeded!!!

Arrived In Her Jazzercise clothes she’d been wearing since 8 am that morning. She didn’t have time to shower but she put on extra deodorant.

Clothes Call Her own white camisole and jeans. She even did her own makeup!

Location, Location Anne didn’t have to travel far for the shoot– it took place in her own yard on a patch of grass by the mailbox.

Faster than a speeding bullet Many Hollywood stars spend an entire day working on the perfect picture
to grace the cover of a magazine. Not our Anne! From the time she
thought up the idea until she had the perfect photograph, only 31 minutes elapsed.
Coincidentally, that was exactly the amount of time this superwoman had available
in her busy schedule between picking up the carpool and taking Finn to
drums!!!

Last minute switcheroo Her original photographer, Finn, took one look at the picture of Angelina, pronounced it “freaky,” and ran off to play basketball. Fortunately, Chatty Mom came by to borrow some basil and was able to take six shots using an unfamiliar camera before she had to dash.

Behind the scenes tricks Chatty Mom had to stand on the recycling bin to get the perfect shot! As Anne posed, she discovered she was lying on an ant pile, so in the picture she actually has an old holey sheet tucked under her back!!!!

Food and Fashion Anne requested oysters, pink jellybeans and mango juice, but no catering crew was available. She was spotted nibbling a few of Drew’s Cheez-Its between takes.

Tunes Porter roller bladed in the driveway singing “Man, I Feel Like A Woman” while Anne tried to copy Angelina’s pout!

Look for Anne’s picture to be out soon!!