June 29, 2006

In Which I Diagnose My Van’s Problem

I think my van is begging for attention. This morning it felt compelled to schlep another foreign object around town.

We were late for Jazzercise, and as soon as I pulled out of the driveway Drew requested “Allstar” by Smashmouth (otherwise known as “The Shrek Song”) and we bobbed to the beat as I hustled down the road. Soon I heard a whirring sound and felt a dragging sensation.

At this point, I was getting frustrated with the van. We don’t love each other because we’re good-looking. We’ve both been beat up and repaired. I depend on my van to get me from one place to another speedily and reliably, and in return I give it gas, let Porter check the tire pressure, and keep it in a garage most nights. It has a good life.

But after the radiator failure, the need for new brakes, and the deal with the hose, I was losing patience. I don’t have time to coddle my boys, much less a well-worn piece of machinery.

When I got to a stop sign I got out and peered under the van. A yellow extension cord, which had been hooked up to our electric hedge trimmers earlier that morning, was stuck under the van and hanging out the back. A leafy branch had gotten entangled in the cord.

I looked in the car and found a plastic lacrosse stick. I motioned traffic to go around me with one hand (”Don’t mind me! Just performing tricky vehicular maneuvers in the middle of the street with preppy sporting equipment!”) and knelt down and used the stick to pull the branch out from under the car. The cord came with it and I threw it all into a nearby trash pile.

When I got home, I made Porter and Drew take turns spraying water from our one remaining hose up the underside of the van, hoping to wash off whatever sludge is attracting junk to adhere to it, as my other theory is that if the van is not vying for my attention, then maybe it has a sticky undercarriage. Also I figured the deluge of water would be uncomfortable and would teach my van a lesson.

However, I’m taking advice as to how to prevent the van from lugging other paraphernalia about town.