August 21, 2006

Still Alive

My entire family not only survived the Beef Balls in Red Wine Sauce, but devoured them like a pack of hungry wolves. The next night we lived through the twins’ spend the night party, which included taking eight boys to a Mexican restaurant and back home again where they jumped on the furniture, ran in dizzy circles, watched movies while reciting every line of dialogue, and ultimately fell asleep, long after Bill and I had.

It’s Finn’s snarky attitude that may send us all to the graveyard. Somewhere between “Sweet! I’m outta fourth grade!” and “Geez, I can’t believe I have to start school tomorrow,” an alien being sucked out his soul and replaced it with that of an overbearing know-it-all.

Sunday I instructed him to clean up his room, including his closets, which prevented him from using his usual method of room cleaning, which is to open the closets, toss everything in and slam the door. After fifteen minutes alone in his room, he had suddenly and mysteriously developed congested lungs, a migraine, and weakness in his back, none of which was visible upon my skeptical examination.

During the same time period, Drew and Porter each wrote four thank you notes, vacuumed two rooms, and folded the kitchen towels. Then they went outside to play basketball.

Yesterday morning before school I heard Finn calling Drew a “girlie pink leotard,” which, while nonsensical, is an insult of the highest degree in our house. I called upon him to apologize and decreed that Drew would sit in the front seat during carpool.

Finn regards the front seat as his rightful possession as the oldest son, but the child of two lawyers did not complain that the seating arrangement wasn’t fair.

“Mom, you better be very careful driving to school,” he cautioned, in the tone of a world-weary sage who has seen it all.

“It’s against the law for someone Drew’s age who weighs so little to sit in the front seat because it would be dangerous if we had a wreck. It’s really only safe for me to sit in that spot because I weigh 72 pounds and I can withstand an impact better.”

I ignored my eldest as I traveled the three minutes to school. As he got out of the car, I stared at his departing head with a mixture of love and loathing. Finn and I are alike in so many ways. It’s a miracle my mother let me survive to adulthood. I hope I can exercise the same self-restraint and let Finn achieve that milestone.