November 30, 2006

Anne Glamore’s Guide to Gifts: Boy Toys

I can’t think of anyone more qualified than I am to give advice on what to give boys for gifts. These suggestions cover a range of ages up to eleven, which is as far as I’ve had to deal with. I’ve added some wrapping and psychology tips, too.

EVERYDAY OBJECTS THAT APPEAL TO BOYS

There are some household objects that adults take for granted, but that are extremely entertaining to boys. My boys are obsessed with flashlights, big and small. The kind that come with a lanyard you can hang around your neck are the best, because then the boys don’t lose them while they’re hunting for Osama in the azaleas. Porter also wore a headlamp for the better part of a year, and had a great time looking under the bed and in dark corners for stray items that most of us would characterize as trash but that he
collected as treasure.

Give them as presents for the kids, but the parents will remember you appreciatively. Flashlights come in handy around the house for obvious reasons, and the headlamp was useful when Drew and I took the stitches out of Porter’s head. (Remember the time he split it open while trying to get a better look at the ant farm, and when he fell the ant farm broke and the ants ran through the blood for their lives? No? You missed an exciting afternoon.)

Key chains are also popular. You can get them with characters or designs, but why not go ahead and get something functional while you’re at it? The Accutire MS-4650 Key Chain Digital Tire Gauge with Flashlight combines a key chain with a flashlight and a tire gauge. I’ll be ordering this for Porter, my handyman. For months he begged me to teach him how to check the pressure in my tires.

“This is so very fun,” he sighed blissfully once he had mastered the technique.

Now he is in charge of making sure the air pressure in my tires is correct, but he has stolen my tire gauge. A key chain/flashlight/tire gauge? All in one? This will send him into
paroxysms of pleasure.

Our boys go camping, too. Look at this Columbia CL9750 Key Chain Compass Thermometer– marked way down. Fun! Of course, you’ll have to tell your child to quit announcing the temperature and direction every minute, and advise him that you want to know these statistics on the hour and half-hour only, and then you will both be mighty satisfied with this gift.

You know what else is satisfying? An Electric Pencil Sharpener. Just ask Drew– there is nothing better than a really sharp pencil. Hint: Pencils make great stocking stuffers. Better Hint: Don’t forget to emphasize that the pencil sharpener is not for crayons. Also that the sharpener should be emptied over the trashcan. Just trying to keep your holidays happy.

Boys also like safes. Go ahead and get a real safe that opens with a key instead of a code. They usually come with two keys, and you can confiscate one before you ever wrap the present. Finn uses his safe as a night table, and last time I looked he was storing his most precious baseball cards and a pair of swim goggles in it. That doesn’t mean he won’t be trying to hide some doobie there in a couple of years. You can be damn sure I know where the spare key is. If his adolescence is anything like his pre-teenhood, I may need a little toke myself.

Is there something of yours that your children keep stealing? Perhaps you should give them one and tell them to keep their grimy paws off yours. For example, years ago my mother gave Bill a fancy down pillow. All my boys coveted it when they snuggled in the bed with us. Last year Macy’s had a kick-ass sale on down pillows, and I bought them each one. Three thumbs up!

Don’t underestimate the amusement quotient of a good jumprope. Boys will jump rope because they know that athletes do it as part of their training. But the rope will also be used as a harness for a pretend horse, a lasso, a finish line, and hundreds of other things. Hint: Before purchasing a jumprope, grab one end and get a fellow shopper to grab the other. Pull like hell. If it breaks, it was not sturdy enough for the kind of stress your boys were going to put on it.

Another gift idea is one I call Woodworker’s Paradise. Collect scraps of wood. Drill some holes in some of them. Gather screws. Buy your children age appropriate screwdrivers. Let the boys sit around and screw. Hint: Older children can play with hammers and nails. Remember the safety goggles. (Safety goggles also double as spy glasses and an underwater mask for the bathtub.) Make sure the Woodworker’s Paradise is not behind the minivan before you back up or it quickly turns into a living hell.

IMAGINATIVE GIFTS

Some people have given us gifts that we never would have thought of ourselves, but that have withstood the tests of time, pounding, submersion, and overall abuse. Aunt Lulu gave Porter Snap Circuits for his birthday. It teaches children about electricity without the danger of letting them practice on your outlets. The kit has instructions for putting the parts together. Do it one way, and you can make the fan twirl. Rework it, and the light bulb will turn on. Porter has spent hours with it and wants the more complicated version for Christmas. He’ll be getting it.

Aunt Lulu also gets credit for Window Art. Drew is my little artist, and he spent ages outlining designs and words, painting them, and letting them dry. The designs peel off and stick to the window. Genius.

I would never have dreamed of getting the boys clothing for Christmas, but one year Aunt Su got Finn a Life Is Good sweatshirt. I have to pry it off his body to wash it. The brand makes hats, shirts, stickers and so forth. I foresee more of these in our future.

Let’s face it, banks shaped like a piggy are cute, but they are sadly out of date. Fortunately, your child can learn for himself how hard it is to keep track of his damn ATM card with the ATM Savings Bank. It beeps, has a code and uses a card. When your child takes it in the bathtub with him you’ll be glad it’s made out of cheap plastic so you can hammer it open and rescue the millions inside.

If you find some sticky velcro spots lying around the house, like Porter did, you can attach the ATM bank to the wall.

There’s nothing to prevent you from assembling your own craft kit that provides hours of entertainment. I did it, and I hate doing crafts. Get a storage cart like this

and fill it with art supplies that you know you can tolerate. For me that meant tons of paper, coloring and activity books, scissors, including those scrapbook scissors that make fancy cuts, washable markers, crayons, stickers, pipecleaners, bags of little puff ball things to glue on masterpieces, feathers, chalk and mini blackboards, clipboards, sidewalk chalk, tissue paper and washable glue. I got most of this at Hobby Lobby or Michaels.

Hint: You may be able to tolerate glitter but I cannot. You’re already going to have to deal with some of it that comes home on the macaroni holiday ornament from school, but I try to keep our glitter exposure to an absolute minimum. Stamps look cute, but kids end up stamping your walls, which is not. Smart parents put about two-thirds of this stuff into the container, and then stick something new in there every month or so as if the craft fairy had popped by for a visit.

When I saw this I immediately established the glitter rule. Then I drank a gin and tonic, got out the vacuum and sent the boys outside to
play.

Better Hint: Establish strict guidelines as to where the crafty items can and cannot be taken lest the craft fairy remove them from the premises entirely. Like I said, you won’t get these tips anywhere else.

OBVIOUS GIFTS

It should be no surprise that boys like things that move. Planes, trains, automobiles– you can’t really go wrong with a plastic one, a toy one, a book about one, a remote control one, or a movie about one. Here are some of the longer lasting items around our house.

If you’re wondering whether your child will really use the train set, the answer is yes. For years. Plus it’s the gift you can keep on giving– every holiday you can add some track or a new train.

Train psychology: Some trains run on batteries. Save those for special occasions, like the night that your child turns eighteen months old and the pacifier fairy comes and takes all those damn pacis he’s been hoarding like heroin and leaves a cool train.

Hint: If you buy the train table, then your child won’t be easily amused when you go to Barnes & Noble where they have a complete train set up on a table. Let them build theirs on the floor at home and be wowed by the table at the bookstore so you can get a little peace and quiet.

Boys like to build things. You can never have too many Legoes. I must be raising some future architects (please, God!)

because they are wild for the LEGO Ultimate House Building Set.

The company makes smaller items like tractors and motorcycles, too. They’re affordable (watch for sales at Target) and square, so they’re easy to wrap.

Another line made by Lego that’s popular is Bionicles.

I don’t know if you can tell, but the container is oval, so they are hell to gift wrap. Stick them in a gift bag with a sheet of fluffed out tissue paper.

Tips for the Lego Owner: Keep in mind that trying to save each individual Lego is futile. Count on replenishing them each year. Lots of them end up in the vacuum, the septic tank, and the trash. Train your children to at least clear them from the path between their doorway and the bed, so you don’t step on sharp blocks in the middle of the night and accidentally teach your kids a bunch of cuss words.

See Figure 1: Cleaning Out The Closet (below)

Another popular toy at our house is K’nex.
They are like plastic Tinker Toys, and Porter has built all sorts of whirligigs out of them. Again: disposable, replenish.

Figure 1: Cleaning Out the Closet

The red and black object in the far right of the dust pan is a chunk of Lego destined for the garbage. The spiral things below the card and spent shotgun shells are pieces of K’nex, also history.

MEDIA GIFTS

Long-time readers will know that I am cranky about media, and severely limit my boys’ television and computer time. Thus, we have no Gameboys, Playcubes and boxes that you line up at three in the morning wearing a bullet-proof vest to purchase. However, I am also a realist, and there are occasions when a couple wants to lock the door and make googly eyes without interference from the small fry.

We relied heavily on several videos (now they’re probably DVDs) to accomplish this when the boys were younger. Spirit of Mickey is clips of classic, non-violent Mickey Mouse, and best of all, it’s 83 minutes long.

The boys’ grandmother gave them the Beginner’s Bible video series years ago, and I was astounded at how much they enjoyed them. They still watch them occasionally, especially when there’s a video that corresponds to a story they’ve learned in Sunday School. Each movie tells a different story, such as Noah and the Ark, Jesus and His Miracles, The Story of Easter, and so forth. If this series is compatible with your way of thinking, I would highly recommend it. CAVEAT: Please be warned that Kathy Lee Gifford sings the cloying theme song on each video. It’s hard to listen to and even harder to get out of your head once overheard.

By far the most popular video in our collection was There Goes a Fire Truck which features the entertaining Fireman Dave. My boys watched this video thousands of times and laughed uproariously each time, either because they are easily amused or because Fireman Dave is just that damn funny. Watch out though– this is an extremely short video, so if you want to make googly eyes and your boys insist on watching this, you should teach them how to rewind, or plan on a quickie.

As the kids get older, there are some videos you just plain need. These include Shrek and Shrek 2 so your children can learn to appreciate Eddie Murphy, School of Rock so your kids will love Jack Black and Stevie Nicks. If you have twins, even boys, The Parent Trap(either with the pre-boob Lindsay Lohan or the wonderful original version with Hayley Mills) is hysterical. Watching your not-even-remotely-identical twins try to change places after seeing the film is hilarious.

I don’t have much more to say on this topic other than, “Go play outside and I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

GIFTS TO ENHANCE YOUR CHILD’S MUSICAL GENIUS

My recommendation here is to keep in mind the motto “If they see it, they will screw with it.”

All parents know this intuitively; that is why we baby proof the house and hide the knives. But this absolute truth can also be used to your advantage, and it’s the perfect way to cultivate music appreciation.

For example, when Finn was small we bought what looked like a drum set for midgets.

He pounded on it happily, and then became interested in real drums. Real drums are expensive, so we bought him a set at the pawn shop and started him on lessons to see if he was really interested. He’s well into his third year of lessons, so we’re springing for a real set of drums for his birthday.

We’ve done the same thing with guitars. First we had the Pretend Guitar, which both Drew and Porter screwed around with. Later, when Porter started asking for a real guitar, I found one on sale that came with an instructional DVD. He watched it, and apparently picked up a few tips. He’s been taking lessons for six months and is progressing well. His teacher is worried about him, however, because last week he asked to learn to play Johnny Cash’s “When The Man Comes Around” which can be a downer of a song if you’re not in the mood for lyrics that sound like Revelations.

We used the same strategy for piano, by purchasing a keyboard. Drew is now taking piano keyboard lessons, so the three of them may be the next Hanson. We should only be so lucky.

The Glamore Band Through The Years:

ENCOURAGING READING

The trick with boys is to make them think they’re goofing off when actually they are reading. Some good gift ideas include subscriptions to Sports Illustrated for Kids, Highlights, or other magazines. Older kids will enjoy The Indispensable Calvin And Hobbes and the younger ones will laugh at Shel Silverstein and his crazy poems, like the one about the babysitter who thinks she’s supposed to sit on the baby. I’m also a fan of Little Lit: Folklore & Fairy Tale Funnies by Art Spiegelman. Your child believes he’s enjoying a fancy comic book instead of fantastic stories by a former New Yorker cartoonist.

Do you have a dog? If so, The Night I Followed the Dog is the perfect book for your family. It divulges a secret: your dog is out partying while your child is asleep. On second thought, this might be good for a family who refuses to get a dog, too. You can simply explain, “But honey, we don’t have any nightclubs around here, and Spot would be very lonely at night.”

Don’t forget the always good-for-a-giggle Mad Libsand Mad Libs Junior. They’re still classic.

STOCKING STUFFERS

I’d be interested in knowing what Santa puts in your stockings. At our house, Santa leaves toothbrushes and toothpaste, some gag gifts like mini rubber chickens or Silly String, and some candy. That’s also a good place to replenish your playing cards and UNO. When I was growing up, Santa left underwear, stamps and apples. Whee.

CONCLUSION

The sign that your children have received truly awesome gifts is that they hang around so long that the kids start combining them to make even more fantastic creations such as the one currently in our basement. To me it looks like train set + paper and scissors and tons of scotch tape from art chest but Drew explained this as, “This is a village covered in purple germs that made everyone die because they didn’t get their children vaccinated, and now there is no one around to run the train. The thing in the top right corner is a magic carpet that Porter made to go find some new people but I don’t think it’s going to work.”

Of course I’d love to hear your ideas or feedback. If you have any, please comment!

Other bloggers are doing gift guides. The always hysterical Miss Doxie has many inexpensive ideas for those who need to buy gifts like bath bubbles and such. Go visit her site– she’s got much more than that; it’s just that I’m up to my neck in Legos and can’t do it justice.

Dave Barry’s guide has allegedly useless gifts, but I think the Marie Antoinette doll is a definite possibility for our house. And I have personal experience with two of the other gifts he recommends. The tee-pee doesn’t work, but the motorized cooler rocks just as much as you think it does.

There are suggestions for lawyers on ReidMyBlog! but I think other nerds would enjoy the motivational poster as well.

Mighty Goods exists to find cool things we can’t live without.

Happy shopping….

November 28, 2006

The Not-So-Wacky Old-Fashioned Corn Dog Machine Request

Wow– I had no idea I had such helpful readers. I scoffed at the very notion of Drew’s request for an old-fashioned corn dog machine for several reasons.

First, I suppose I interpreted “old-fashioned” too literally. I was thinking an old-fashioned corn dog maker looks something like this:

Second, we don’t eat a lot of corn dogs. We don’t have a Glamore special recipe, and the boys tend to dissect them more than they consume them. I can’t see spending money on an appliance that features grease as its main component and takes up a lot of room. I can easily purchase corn dogs the new-fashioned way:

But that doesn’t mean that I’m not grateful for all your suggestions– I am. Now I know there are a lot of corn dog makers out there, from the King Dog Fryer on down:

Foot Long King Dog FL Fryer
	Quantity in Basket: none Code: 8068FL Price: $799.00 Shipping Weight: 40.00 pounds

Enlarge Image (3)

Corn Dog Cooker Item No: 48435 Price: $65.00 Item is in stock Make crunchy, juicy corn dogs right in your own kitchen with this Corn Dog Cooker! Prepare your favorite batter (recipe included) and dip the hot dogs in. Connect dogs to the special rack and deep fry them to crispy, succulent perfection! Cooks up to 6 at a time. Cooker can also be used for frozen corn dogs or other deep-fried snacks (fry basket included). We’ll race you to the mustard! 10.5″L x 13″H x 5.25″W. ETL® listed.

When I saw that second fryer, I realized that Drew’s request wasn’t all that wacky. He recently saved up his money to buy a popcorn maker that looks like this:

so I’m guessing that the Corn Dog Maker was featured in the same catalog.

I do want to repay you for your corn dog research and your tales of zany gift requests, so I’m working on my own gift guide. It will focus primarily on boy toys, but I’ll have a few tips on other gift ideas as well. Stay tuned!

November 26, 2006

Wacky Christmas Requests

My boys have been making their Christmas wishes known. Some items are predictable (iPod Nano) and some less so, unless you know the child (stilts).

I am completely perplexed by Drew’s request for “an old-fashioned corn dog machine.”

What weird items are your children asking for this Christmas? Anyone know anything about making corn dogs?

November 20, 2006

Wilderness Week- and More Underwear

The Tiny Kingdom has a long tradition of sending its entire fifth grade off for a week-long stay at a nature camp, where they learn about Alabama’s plants and animals and the state’s earliest settlers. The kids wade in the river and collect wiggly specimens, and they hike for hours over unforgiving terrain to see breathtaking scenery. Sometimes they learn about things that are not on the planned curriculum.

Finn left Monday, with plenty of outdoor gear and the few pair of underwear we were able to scrounge up for him. Although the boys and girls stay in separate cabins, I stressed to him that he was to be extremely careful about wearing appropriate clothing at all times.

As Finn and I were packing, I said, “Whenever you’re around the girls, I want you to wear more than just underwear. I want you to have on pants and a shirt, too.”

He looked at me with that special pre-teen look that is simultaneously condescending and compassionate, the one that says, ‘My mom has lost her mind but I’m going to let her think she’s perfectly sane.’

He said, “Yes, ma’am. I usually wear clothes, you know.”

“Even if y’all have some kind of get-together in your pajamas, I want you to be completely covered up. Everywhere. With something over your underwear,” I emphasized.

“Mom, I don’t really want anyone to see me in my underwear. And I think we’re a little old to be hanging out in our pajamas,” Finn sighed as he rolled up his sleeping bag.

I realize that my directive sounded bizarre to him, but reasonable to me because of my own experience on the same trip.

Back in my day, we went on the field trip in the seventh grade. I went in 1979, the year of “I Will Survive,” “Heart of Glass,” and “Le Freak.” Along with my hiking boots, I’d packed Tickle deodorant and Love’s Baby Soft, because twelve-year-old girls must stay fragrant at all times, even when enduring life in the woods.

I was thrilled to be in a bunk next to the girl with the glass eye. I had always wondered what she did at night– whether she slept in it or whether it had to be put through a good cleaning every so often, like a retainer. It turned out that she understood the drama of her situation. When it was close to lights out, she extended her toilette so that she was the last one to get in bed. The rest of us were already in our bunks, anxiously peering at her. She got in bed, put a hand to her face, pulled out her eyeball with a theatrical gesture, and plopped it into a glass on the window sill. It sat there all night, unblinking.

One day we toured an old schoolhouse that pioneer children had attended. I doubted that the leader would be able to teach me anything about schooling in the 1800s that I didn’t already know. I’d read each of the The Little House on the Prairie books several times and considered myself an expert on primers and old-fashioned spelling bees. I had to sit through one anyway and was forced to learn to spell “rhododendron” at lightening speed, a talent I’ve never used until this very moment.

I dimly remember hearing about the four Indian tribes that lived in Alabama (Choctaw, Chickasaw, Cherokee, Creek), and watching the boys bounce the spongy scrambled eggs we ate for breakfast off the cafeteria table, but I must confess that my most specific memory, as vivid to me today as if it had happened yesterday and not twenty-seven years ago, had nothing at all to do with Indian lore or spelling.

I don’t know who thought it was a good idea to have all the seventh graders change into their pajamas before we met in the dining hall for one last class, but those were our instructions. The girls came out in an assortment of Lanz flannel nightgowns, while most of the boys wore sweatpants or flannel pajama bottoms and T-shirts.

One boy, however, sauntered into the dining hall clad only in boxers. The girls looked at him and let out a collective gasp. My best friend and I only had sisters and we were thrilled to see a boy in his underwear. We’d read Forever (we took off the book jacket and replaced it with the one from The Diary of Anne Frank) and thus had read about penises, but this was as close to one as we’d come in real life.

I don’t remember what happened next– whether he remained in his underwear while we sat in a circle and shared our favorite memories of the week, or whether he was asked to cover up, but it doesn’t really matter. The image was, and is, indelibly seared in my memory.

That’s why I took special care to make sure Finn kept his family jewels covered at all times. I loaded him on the bus with the assurance that in 2033, when Finn is coaching one of his classmates’ children in baseball, she’ll think of him first as Coach Glamore, and not the boy whose penis she almost saw at nature camp in fifth grade.

November 14, 2006

In Which The Gap Fails Finn (And Pre-Teen Boys Everywhere)

For reasons too complex to delve into, Sunday I had approximately twenty-four minutes to purchase Finn some underwear that he needed ASAP. I didn’t have time to drive to Target to buy his favorite Fruit of the Looms, so I squeezed in a trip to the mall between fixing some Santa Fe Soup and getting everyone presentable to go to Aunt Su’s. Aunt Lulu and her baby were in town, and the boys had to meet their new cousin.

I ran into a couple of stores, neither of which carried Finn’s size of underwear. It seems that while I have uncommon breasts, Finn’s fanny is a popular size. The Gap was my last option.

I found one package of XL underwear quickly. It was perfect, containing one pair of gray knit boxer briefs, and one pair of white.

The Gap knit boxer, size XL, in white and gray. Perfect for the 87 pound fifth grader.

I figured he needed at least two more packages, and I continued to scan the shelves. As I did, I was assaulted by a dizzying array of colors and designs, not only in XL, but XXL and perhaps higher. My mind began reeling and I felt as if I was back in college, listening
to “L.A. Woman” in a smoke filled dorm room festooned with psychedelic
gauzy sheets on the walls. My heart started racing as I struggled to make sense of it all.

Here were the other designs available for fifth grade boys who know about sex, use deodorant and acne wash, are keenly aware when girls wear perfume, and conduct nightly searches for manly hairs in their armpits:

And most disturbingly:

I gasped, and hailed a saleslady to look in the back for some plain XL underwear. While she was gone, I fumbled in my purse for my Klonopin and swallowed half a pill right there.

If you are wondering what is wrong with this underwear, I can only conclude that you design boys’ underwear for the Gap or do not have a preteen.

First, when little boys are transitioning from diapers to the potty, a mother’s number one weapon looks like this:

If you don’t go in the potty, you wear a diaper. If you go in the potty, you get to wear big boy pants with Sponge Bob on them. Whee!

Translation: only boys who are being rewarded for properly using the toilet wear underwear with little designs.

Second, a boy does not wear words on his butt. Girls can wear panties with words on them:

Remember when Bloomies made the day of the week panties? I had some. Did you?
And, of course, ladies can wear underwear with words on the derriere:

This is pretty much how I look in my underwear every day of the week!

Consequently, men do not wear underwear with words on them. I left the Gap with only two pairs of plain underwear.

According to its web site, the Gap’s corporate purpose is to “make it easy for you to express your personal style throughout your life.”

I’d say the Gap failed pretty miserably in making it easy for Finn to express his personal style on his ass.