December 21, 2006

Home Training Progress Report

The boys are progressing well with their home training. Today was their first full day out of school for the holidays and they had a challenging exam. However, they successfully ran some laundry, unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, cleaned their rooms, labeled, stamped and stuffed our Interactive Christmas cards, and cleaned out the pantry and the bottom two drawers of the refrigerator before putting away the groceries.During breaks, they played basketball, ate sandwiches, and had some computer time.

There was a little yelling and punching, and Porter insisted on doing his chores with a cardboard tube on his leg so that he limped about like a wounded pirate, but overall, I can’t complain.

Their wives are going to owe me big time.

December 19, 2006

Drew Discovers Santa’s Limits

I cuddled Drew on my lap the other night and asked him what he was asking Santa to bring him for Christmas. He replied without hesitation.

“A Coke machine, a laptop, and an Xbox,” he said.

“Whoa, there,” I answered. “Quit joking with me. What do you really want?”

Drew squirmed around and looked at me, his pale blue eyes unblinking as he repeated earnestly,” A laptop computer, a Coke machine that gives real Cokes, and an Xbox, but I would take a Playstation.”

I grimaced. And then as gently as possible, I explained to him that while Santa has access to all kinds of presents, he doesn’t deliver items that will interfere with a family’s rules, so Drew wouldn’t be getting an Xbox or a Playstation for Christmas.

Drew’s face got red and he leaned his head into my shoulder as I continued.

“Coke machines are more for office buildings and gyms than houses, ” I went on, “and I don’t like to keep a lot of Cokes around here. Santa knows that. So you shouldn’t count on him bringing a Coke machine either,” I informed him.

My shoulder started to feel moist.

“And we don’t need a laptop,” I said. “We have a computer and my laptop, and that’s plenty of computers for one household. Eight-year-olds generally don’t need their own laptops, anyway. I think you ought to think up some fun toys you want Santa to bring you, like some Legos or maybe a fancy CD player.”

Drew was really sobbing now.

Finn (a non-believer,) Bill and I all tried to cheer him up and encouraged him to think up some other items to put on his Christmas list, but Drew was having none of it. He picked at his dinner and went to bed early.

If a LEGO Dino Attack Iron Predator vs. T-Rex, a CD player and a varied assortment of CDs intended to increase his music knowledge (The Commodores’ Ultimate Collection, so he’ll be able to sing along to “Brick House” at wedding receptions, The Clash: Singles, for some punk exposure, Janis Joplin - Greatest Hits, because he needs it, and #1 Hits of the 80s, so he can experience the decade that was “Private Eyes” and “Come on Eileen”) don’t send him into a frenzy of pleasure, I’ve seriously misjudged him.

I’m in a state of suspense. On Christmas morning, will his sorrow break a little piece of my heart? Or will Bill and I have the pleasure of teaching our sons to walk like Egyptians once all the gifts are opened?

Either way, it promises to be unforgettable.

December 14, 2006

Who Needs Expedia When I’ve Got You?

Bill and I are taking the boys to New York after Christmas. We’ll hang with Aunt Lulu and Uncle P and the new baby some, but we’ll spend a lot of time out on the town. We already have plenty of activities planned: Korean barbecue, Dylan’s Candy Bar, the Rockettes, Chinatown, the Brooklyn Art Museum and so forth.

I also have individual outings planned with each child, including Porter and Mama’s Sushi-Eating Extravaganza, Drew and Mama’s Knifty Knife Purchase and Finn and Mama’s Search for Cool Threads.

I’m always looking for ideas on things to do with the kids. They went to the Museum of Natural History and the ESPN Zone when I had my spine surgery up there.

Finn is 11 — does anyone have a suggestion as to where to find him some cool shirts that hopefully are less expensive than Abercrombie? I’m not sure he’s quite big enough to fit into Urban Outfitters, but that problem will probably solve itself naturally within the next couple of months.

The boys will eat pretty much anything although I haven’t offered them escargot yet, so restaurant recommendations are welcome as well. We’ll travel by cab, bus or subway but are headquartered on the Upper East Side (Land Of The Expensive French Bistros). We like to eat at cheaper places.

All right readers– show me what you’ve got! Thanks!

December 12, 2006

No TV For You!

In my Holiday Gift Guide for Boy Toys I mentioned that we don’t encourage TV, computer or video games in our house. In fact, I strongly discourage them. I don’t judge those of you who allow them; it’s just that I was a huge nerd growing up, and when I wasn’t inside reading I was outside catching crawdads in the creek, playing Little House on the Prairie (as the oldest, I always got to be Mary), building tiny mud houses and churches for ants, playing kick-the-can, or (sigh) reading. If I didn’t watch television, by God, my boys aren’t going to!

Of course, we hoped that while the boys weren’t watching Sponge-Bob they’d be avidly reading, expanding their vocabularies at a breath-taking rate, spending more time on their instruments, thus becoming virtuoso performers, and honing their writing and drawing skills. Or perhaps they’d go in another direction and organize games of four-square and football and spend hours on their bikes. They would increase their endurance, muscle strength and sense of sportsmanship. Plus, we’d have time to identify each boy’s strongest sport in order to commence training for the 2012 London Olympics.

We’ve been extremely pleased with the activities the boys have come up with to amuse themselves, including:

1. Fun With Toilet Paper

The boys are long out of diapers and skilled at using toilet tissue for its intended application. Finn then began a project to devise other ways to incorporate the product into daily life. By far the most popular was “Roll the Interior of Daddy’s Car” which required only toilet paper, duct tape, and stealth. Upon discovery of the vandalism, Bill exhibited the perfect amount of histrionics and laughter, making this a very fulfilling post-shower enterprise.

2 . Athletic Time: Improving Balance

We don’t have much opportunity to snowski, so the guys have to resort to other means to practice their skills on the slopes. A plastic laundry basket slithering down carpeted steps provides the perfect low-friction platform for attempting basic downhill maneuvers. No snowsuit necessary.

3. Science In The Kitchen

Preparing a bagel with Munster cheese is so very ordinary. Mixing science with snack time makes food lots more entertaining.

Experiment: What happens when you ice the melted cheese on a bagel?

Hypothesis: The Munster will unmelt and return to its flattened, square form.

Procedure: Porter prepared a bagel with melted cheese. He then applied ice to the cheese and waited for it to resume its previous shape so it could be reinserted into its original package. He withstood substantial skepticism from his brothers throughout the duration of the scientific process.

“Porter, that is not going to unmelt. You’re just going to end up with a wet bagel,” Finn commented derisively.

“It might unmelt, but you’ll have to hold the ice there a long time and you’ll get frostbite and have to have your fingers cut off, so I don’t think it’s worth it,” Drew opined.

“It’s my bagel,” Porter said. “When the ice melts, the cheese will unmelt.” He continued icing the bagel confidently.

After fifty-five minutes, the experiment was deemed concluded.

Result: Cold fingers, melted cheese, soggy bagel.

I have plenty more examples of the useful activities the boys have pursued while being banished from the tube, which I am happy to share.

December 6, 2006

Anne Glamore’s Roundup of Little-Known Holiday Songs

Last weekend I boarded the Christmas decoration express determined not to disembark until the house was completely festive. I thought that since I hadn’t really undecorated last year my job would be somewhat easier but that’s never the case.

My OCD tendencies are most evident in the lighting of the tree, which must be done according to exact specifications. I don’t tolerate any willy-nilly draping of lights in a haphazard manner. Strings of tiny white lights must be painstakingly wrapped around each individual tree branch, from the trunk outward to the edge of the limb. Using fewer than 2000 lights makes for a very dull tree. Long ago Bill and I agreed that he would purchase and set up the tree and I would put on the lights while he dropped in regularly to ooh and ahh. It’s been a fantastic marital compromise.

If done correctly, the lighting of the tree takes hours, during which we play holiday CDs and consume mass quantities of hot chocolate and eggnog. I started with the classic CDs like The Nutcracker and A Christmas Album by Barbra Streisand. Alabama Christmas was next. It may not be a traditional album for those of you in Oregon, say, or Minnesota, but I have to play it so I can sing “Christmas In Dixie” which is what I celebrate each year.

As the lighting continued, I moved through the pile of CDs, which is why I was drinking wine and listening to Destiny’s Child’s 8 Days of Christmas late Saturday night. I’d advise drinking while listening to these bootylicious holiday songs.

Or maybe Bill should have been the one drinking. He came to check on the progress of the lights and heard me singing, “On the eighth day of Christmas my baby gave to me, a pair of Chloe shades and a diamond belly ring” and was astounded that such lyrics exist on a Christmas album.

He went to bed before I got to the good stuff, though. Beyonce and the girls have a song called “Winter Paradise” that first caught my attention because it seems to be sampling PM Dawn’s “Looking Through Patient Eyes,” which has a damn fine melody. Then I listened to some of the words:

It’s the feeling of God, it’s that good ole eggnog
It’s the blessed faces, it’s them happy babies
It’s the family prayer, it’s that new V.S. underwear

No. Just no. A Christmas song can talk about God and blessings, or it can talk about eggnog and panties, but it must choose either sex or religion and stick to it. When these topics are combined in one holiday song the effect is jarring, no matter how soothing the melody. “Winter Paradise” robbed me of any remaining Christmas spirit so I went to bed with my job nearly complete.

Sunday the lighting continued and I moved on to Barenaked for the Holidays, which is a must for any Barenaked Ladies fan (like Busymom!). The Hanukkah songs are much livelier than the ones my children sing in the school’s holiday program, and the snarky “Elf’s Lament” complains that elves slave away making crap that kids end up throwing away.

The highlight of the CD, for us at least, was the cover of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”, a song which compels people of a certain generation to sing each line in the varying styles of stars of the 80s, including Boy George, Sting, Simon LeBon and George Michael.

I was just letting out a raspy “Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you” in the manner of Bono when Finn came in. He’d never heard the song before. Seizing a powerful opportunity for expanding his education in music history and charity singles, we headed for YouTube and watched the original video while I pointed out influential entertainers such as Bananarama, Spandau Ballet and Jody Watley.

Finn was skeptical of my insistence that Boy George and Culture Club were popular at the time, and showing him the “Karma Chameleon” video did not advance my case.

Although I ended up with a beautifully lit tree, I now have a son who, for the first time, is questioning my musical teachings. I didn’t disclose that in high school I styled my hair like one of the Bananarama girls and wore the same magenta day-glo lipstick as Jody Watley.

I have to retain some credibility.