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February 27, 2007
What To Buy? Don’t Axe Me
I thought I was an expert mom, maybe one of the savviest in the Kingdom, but this week I failed Pre-Teen Toiletries 101.
Parenting is complicated, but generally when you tackle a topic you know what to focus on. If you’re purchasing a book for a child, you make sure the subject matter is captivating and of the appropriate age level. Drew loves The Magic Tree House
All boys (or at least those I smell) begin to reek within moments of stepping out of the shower. My job when buying their toiletries, particularly with eleven-year-old Finn, is to identify the products that will maintain his clear complexion, enable his shaggy hair to look cared for, prevent his pits from smelling, and reduce the overall stench that inevitably adheres to him. He’s a lot like Pig Pen without the visible dust clouds.
Several months ago I wigged out when small bumps were visible underneath Finn’s skin. He started using Cetaphil, then Clearasil. The bumps remained and one small blemish formed. As Bill pointed out, it was only one pimple, but at the time Finn was two months shy of eleven, mighty young to be breaking out. To me the zit was a harbinger of years of festering sores marring his appearance and preventing him from dating, finding a wife and moving out of our house so I can turn his bedroom into a walk-in closet. I was hell bent on saving his skin.
I invested in a fancy-schmancy cleanser which he proclaimed “girly.” 
I invited him to the computer where I showed him pictures of his future self if he refused my cure. He shuddered, ran for the Neostrata and the acne was gone within two weeks.
His Pert shampoo gave his hair shine and body, the Right Guard vastly improved his body odor, and once I hid his glasses he started wearing his contacts on a regular basis. You can see why I was pleased with my mastery of boys’ hygiene.
My only complaint was that the soap kept falling on the floor of the shower and melting. It was wasteful and I was pretty sure Finn wasn’t bending down to dip his washcloth into the puddle of softened soap and scrubbing his body like he should. That’s why I was fired up when I went to CVS and found huge bottles of Axe shower gel on sale for $1.99. I dimly remembered that Axe is “How Dirty Boys Get Clean.” With three dirty boys at my house, I loaded up my basket.
Finn was equally thrilled with my purchase, so much so that he started taking extra long showers that depleted our hot water supply and left the twins howling in dismay. But it was almost worth it. He emerged smelling studly and the spicy odor clung to him for several hours.
Yesterday as I cleaned his shower, I picked up his bottle of body wash to clean the mildew on the tile behind it. As I did, the back of the bottle caught my eye.
I’m a writer, not a photographer, so I’ll tell you what the text says:
EXPERIENCE THE AXE EFFECT
The Axe Effect may result in, but is not limited to, unrelenting female attention and/or late nights.
I assume you can see the silhouette for yourself. A gray male figure has his arms around two females.
I was stunned. Finn’s shower soap was encouraging him to lather up in the hopes of scoring a menage a trois. I would never let Finn go see a movie that sent that message, but at least I’d be warned; the movie would have a rating. There’s no parental guidance for shower gel, and frankly, I never knew I was supposed to focus on anything other than cleanliness when cruising the soap aisle.
What’s next, Double Duty Dental Floss? “It’s perfect for removing food particles AND tying up that special someone!”
Remember how smug I sounded when I bragged about how we try not to let the boys watch much TV? That pretty much came back and bit me in the ass. Maybe if I’d been tuning in rather than reading, I wouldn’t have bought R rated body wash.
Some mom. Some bargain.
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February 27th, 2007 at 5:14 pm, Hillary Says:
Remove the labels and see if he says anything….then you will know if he was paying attention to it. If he really likes the soap and it is working for him buy some plain bottles and squeeze it into them.
Just an idea. PS this is my first comment since your move from Ivillage Yay for me!
February 27th, 2007 at 5:47 pm, Shell Says:
I actually thought at first that the guy was in the shower with two girls! I do like the smell of Axe, though, and 11-year-old boys are in desperate need of things to make them smell better. Perhaps you could just rip off the back of the label? Unfortunately, products marketed to young men are going to be full of this stuff.
February 27th, 2007 at 6:59 pm, Laura Says:
Too bad they don’t make Axe Junior. Or Axe Lite. Or Mini-Axe, though I guess that would actually be Hatchet, wouldn’t it? Somehow it doesn’t have the same panache…
February 27th, 2007 at 8:49 pm, Antique Mommy Says:
When I read the marketing slogan “How Dirty Boys Get Clean” — a little bell went off in my head and then I scolded myself for having a dirty mind. Note to self: Pay attention to little bell in head.
February 28th, 2007 at 10:28 am, jenevieve Says:
Hehe, Matt won’t buy this stuff because, to him, it smells too much “like a teenager trying to score”. He’s a wise man.
February 28th, 2007 at 3:11 pm, Leeny Says:
~sigh~ We try and try as parents but we’ll never be able to protect them from everything. Even something you’d think was as innocent as soap?! Geez, advertisers like to bonk us over the head with the sex stuff!
February 28th, 2007 at 6:37 pm, Jenna Says:
I too vote for either ripping off the label or squeezing into an appropriate container.. I like less smelly males about even if it takes a little more work on my part..
February 28th, 2007 at 9:52 pm, KLee Says:
I’m glad you guys like that stuff — I think it stinks to high heaven! Of course, if your choices are smelly soap or smelly boys, I’d go with the soap, too.
Your son is no dummy — he probably HAS noticed the sticker on the back. He’s probably just biding his time, waiting for all the ladies to start slobbering all over him. Of course, that may already be happening at school — we’re so out of the loop!
February 28th, 2007 at 10:29 pm, Goslyn Says:
I agree, rip of the labels or put it in a different bottle. I am impressed at your success in keeping your son interested in cleanliness. Well done, even with the R-rated body wash. That is a problem easily fixed.
March 1st, 2007 at 11:45 am, Tracie Says:
I think the picture on the back is keeping him in the shower….
March 1st, 2007 at 12:05 pm, Karin B Says:
Welcome to the world of Axe! I didn’t know anything about it until a couple of years ago. My young teenager informed me that he needed the spray in every scent, because everybody was using it. I almost choked every time I was near his bathroom. I haven’t seen any R-rated pictures though.
March 1st, 2007 at 12:08 pm, Amy Says:
As the mother of a very stinky 12 yr old son I’m on my way to CVS. Girls or no girls if it cuts the stink it’s got to be worth it. I say leave the label - it’s a good time to learn the truth behind advertising. Nothing works as promised - especially the fancy smells. The only thing you are sure of by using the products is that your own body odor won’t cause people around you to run screaming from the room!
March 1st, 2007 at 8:08 pm, Susu Says:
Costco sells the package of three large AXE sprays (different scents, maybe different pics) with a bonus bath gel. My two boys (12 and 7) like anything of mine from Bath and Body, especially my lovely Mango and Pomegranate hair/body wash. Just pick out your favorite and it will become theirs, as my jacuzzi tub has been a Hot Wheels racetrac, dirt bike ramp, etc. for many years. It’s never as painful as when you step into a hot bubble bath that you’ve prepared, have a new Cottage Living or Oprah magazine, and a Diet Dr. Pepper chilled and OWWWW!! you scream when you sit on a Corvette or Mustang or Monster Truck. One day I’ll reclaim my wonderful tub, but by then I’ll have bought a dog and my husband will use my tub for removing ticks and matted dog hair.
March 1st, 2007 at 9:12 pm, Karyn Says:
TOO DAMN FUNNY! That had me howling… I went through similar issues with my stepson who is now 21. You too can survive! (The kicker was finding a used condom of his in the wash. Awesome.)
BTW, he liked ProActiv and it worked well. Even if Vanessa Williams is the spokesperson.
And what up with my 5 year old - he smells like pee ALL THE TIME and it’s grossing me out. I’m ready to break out the Axe on his ass, menage or no.
March 1st, 2007 at 10:32 pm, Kristen Says:
Wow. That is unbelievable!! I’m speechless… that picture blows my mind!
March 1st, 2007 at 10:33 pm, Shayna Says:
Haha…yes, Axe body wash is pretty racy! Their commercials on TV definitely push the envelope. You mastered the sex talk with such aplomb, though, why not just address the ills of polygamous relationships?
I mean, seriously Anne…$1.99 is a bargain. AND, the boy smells good!
March 2nd, 2007 at 4:27 pm, Jessica Says:
I was more than pleased to buy my son something last year to help with his hygiene when he asked. I bought a package of Axe at Walmart that contained 2 sprays and sunscreen. I should have had a clue when the title was Spring Break. I was shocked when I read the instructions weeks later on the sunscreen. 1. remove cap 2. apply generously to your entire body (pay special attention to all covered regions as there’s no telling how long these bits will stay covered during spring break.) 3.Repeat application to any female bodies that may be exposed to the sun. 4. Replace cap. I was surprised and embarassed. I hid it in the basement to throw away later and forgot until I read your blog. The sprays do prevent you from breathing after being sprayed. You are not alone.
March 2nd, 2007 at 5:15 pm, Jessica Says:
I made a mistake. The sunscreen was called Spring Bake (oh brother!)
March 7th, 2007 at 3:28 pm, momumo Says:
I have six brothers and one son - I’m grateful for anything that helps with the odor! Mom always made all the boys share the downstairs bathroom, under the worst circumstances, where both upstairs baths were taken and you couldn’t wait (maybe see the guard the door while pregnant woman goes post) - it was taking your life in your hands to find yourself in the same room where their dirty socks lived “in” the hamper - huge shudder. I say leave the label, have a talk about how stupid advertising is and that no soap is gonna getcha some, particularly some with two girls - but that staying clean does make it a bit easier on everyone including girls - out of six brothers, only two are married, and they all use Axe or Tag - apparently not getting them much attention!
August 14th, 2007 at 6:09 pm, My Tiny Kingdom » Bow Chicka Wow Wow Says:
[...] Hell. The the Axe effect has struck our house again, but this time the outcome was worse, thanks to my big mouth. [...]
February 25th, 2008 at 9:37 am, My Tiny Kingdom » The Mysterious Disappearance of Feathers Says:
[...] One year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: What To Buy? Don’t Axe Me [...]