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April 30, 2007
Sergeant Mom Gets Mushy
I’ve spent the better part of the last five years in the role of domestic drill sergeant over my boys:
“Stop! Who goes through that doorway first- you or a lady?”
“What would be a better way to ask for that? Remember the word ‘please?’ Moms really like to hear it.”
“Why is your napkin on the table when the table doesn’t have a mouth and cannot eat a hamburger?”
“Be sure and tell Chatty Mom ‘thanks for the ride’ or she may get tired of driving you to school and you’ll have to walk every morning, even when it rains.”
“Towels don’t have muscles, so they can’t put themselves back on the towel rack.”
“‘Uh-huh’ is not a word. It’s ‘yes ma’am or yes sir.’”
It’s easy to feel that it’s all for naught, but now that the guys are eight and eleven I can see some of the lessons slowly taking hold.
Bill was out of town last week so I took the boys to Brio for dinner one night. Drew opened the restaurant door for me, and Finn stood beside him and punched Porter in the ribs when he tried to walk through ahead of me.
“Ladies first,” Finn told Porter sternly, and we made it all the way to the hostess stand with only a few tears.
At the table, Drew and Porter amused themselves with the word search on the kids’ menu and were especially delighted to find “ass” in the collection of letters, though fortunately not in the list of words to seek.
All three boys thanked the waiter for their milk and food without prompting from me. I was flabbergasted and peered at each child’s face to make sure my boys hadn’t been replaced with someone else’s while I went to the bathroom. They hadn’t, so I ordered another glass of wine from our unfriendly waiter and toasted myself.
There were snags, to be sure. Porter shoveled tremendous forkloads of spaghetti into his mouth and slurped inches of dangling noodles through his lips until I taught him to twirl the pasta on the fork before eating it. He was entranced by the strategy, though not particularly skilled at it, but it did improve the situation a bit.
Drew forgot our main purpose, eating, and was lost in a meticulous reading of the story on the kids’ menu until I realized his food was untouched and removed the literature, promising he could read it in bed.
Porter began standing up to eat, until I reminded him that fannies stay in chairs during dinner. He put his fork down and his body started quaking and shaking, Elvis-like, from his head to his feet.
“Dude, what are you doing?” I asked, alarmed.
“I had to get the wiggles out,” Porter replied cheerfully, as he sat down and resumed eating. Is this what they teach in school these days? If so, it’s brilliant.
Drew and Porter went outside to look at the wildlife that somehow manages to flourish in the water between the mall and the highway while Finn and I discussed the latest social developments in the fifth grade. Finn expressed dissatisfaction with his love life. I advised him to keep washing his face and using deodorant. The situation is bound to go his way sooner or later.
While we waited for our car, I discovered I had no dollars. Porter, always prepared for a gumball machine, offered me his three quarters. After a thorough investigation of my wallet I was able to cobble together two dollars in change, a paper clip, a guitar pick and a linty Ambien. I offered it all to the teenage valet, who chose to take only the money. I was secretly pleased, as both the paper clip and the Ambien are treasures in my house.
We had a lovely drive home with the windows down, with Finn acting as DJ, blaring first Gwen Stefani and then the Killers. We sang and clapped and drove around the block a few times so we wouldn’t have to turn off “All These Things That I’ve Done” prematurely.
The boys went to bed with sweaty hair, full stomachs and clean teeth.
As I lay in my bed later, I thought of all the things that I have done. I think that even when the guys are grown, this particular night is one that I’ll always remember.
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April 30th, 2007 at 8:57 am, Clearlykels Says:
That was wonderful! It is true. My poor brother went through years of being pounded over the head about opening doors– waiting politely, offering to help and all of that jazz… well, at 19 he does it all unprompted. When we are at the godparents for dinner in the winter, he jumps up the moment the fire needs another log. He will run to the kitchen to refresh wine for anyone in need. It is amazing to watch. Now, if he would just send thank you notes, I would be so happy.
Also, we used to call it getting out the “ya-ya’s”– sometimes someone would have to step outside to let go of some ya-ya’s so that they could come in and act respectably.
April 30th, 2007 at 9:05 am, Shell Says:
I loved this line: ” I was secretly pleased, as both the paper clip and the Ambien are treasures in my house.” It just…resonated with me.
Your kids are classic, and you and Bill have obviously done a great job with them!
April 30th, 2007 at 9:12 am, Hibyscus Says:
“I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier…”
Just love that song and so does my son! You inspire me to keep up my chivalry training. Fortunately, my hubby is a good role model for that. Now if only we could perfect the please and thank yous!
April 30th, 2007 at 10:01 am, Melina Says:
You can come to the restaurant I work at part time anytime with your three boys. Such well behaved and polite you just don’t see that much anymore.
We get a decent family crowd in on Saturday evenings (the 5-6pm rush) and let me tell you, parents don’t know how to keep their kids in line anymore, they just let them run around and scream, cry and/or throw things, when I was a child that was not tolerated nor would I even consider trying to throw something. It would be outside to the car for a “talking”.
WAY TO GO in teaching your boys about manners, three little phrases make the world a better place, Please, Thank You and You’re Welcome go a long way.
April 30th, 2007 at 10:14 am, jenny uk Says:
oh nice story I like that, i think i try to hard to have a good time with the kids, they pick up on how I’m trying to have a memorable evening and dont comply, not that they are badly behaved, they just get a little sulky and difficult. We need more spontanious events in this house (or out of it as the case may be) but I over plan everything. Its also diificult having a girl and boy so far in age apart.
April 30th, 2007 at 12:40 pm, Leeny Says:
You really do have to be consistent in teaching kids their manners. Eventually, it sinks in. Please and thank-you’s and yes/no ma’ams and yes/no sirs are having a devil of a time staying in the stepkids’ memories!
April 30th, 2007 at 1:14 pm, Steph. Says:
I have a seven-year-old son and this got me all mushy just reading it. I haven’t started the open the door for a lady thing, so I’ll have to do that. And the spaghetti thing…hmmm genious!
April 30th, 2007 at 3:05 pm, jenevieve Says:
Fabulous. When I have a daughter can I set her up with one of your boys?
April 30th, 2007 at 4:28 pm, jen Says:
I see holes in my sons’ educations and they will be filled. We’ve been working on putting the toilet seat down, and been successful. Next: doors/ladies first. You’re a good momma!
April 30th, 2007 at 4:31 pm, Karen Says:
Wow. You are such a good mom. Seriously. I think about teaching those things to my kids and then either I get tired of hearing myself nag or they tell me how much I annoy them. I’m bad that way. I’m so glad that it’s paying off for you. Way to go. Pat yourself on the back.
April 30th, 2007 at 7:38 pm, Audrey Says:
oh my goodness! your blog is fantastic! as a mom of 3 boys as well - i just love reading your posts! so funny, so clever and so REAL!
you have a regular visitor!
check mine out: pinksandbluesgirls.wordpress.com
- Audrey
http://www.pinksandblues.com
April 30th, 2007 at 8:00 pm, VHMom Says:
As the mom of two girls, thank you so much for teaching your boys manners! Girls, of course, also need good manners….always the basics, but some gender-specific ones, as well. Not only the personal grooming ones, and the ones relating to modesty, etc., but girls need to be taught to let the boys use the nice manners their parents (hopefully) are teaching them. Of course we can open our own doors, but when a man offers to do it for us, LET HIM and thank him! He’s using his manners!
These types of things have been the most difficult to teach our hard-headed, independent girls. I wouldn’t change their personalities for the world, but they have had to learn to just chill down and let these guys use their manners!
Go Anne! You rock!
April 30th, 2007 at 8:06 pm, VHMom Says:
Oh yeah, I HAVE managed to teach my 13-year old to “let” the guy win a good rousing game of fart tennis! “Darlin’, it’s okay if he can fart one more time than you can!” Some nice manners, huh??
April 30th, 2007 at 8:53 pm, KLee Says:
Whoa — we’re on the same plane here! My daughter is pretty well behaved, so I don’t have much problem with her in the politeness areas, but I say a LOT of these same things to my kindergartners!
“‘Huh?’ is not how you answer.” (I will accept “Yes?”, but I encourage “Yes, ma’am?” though it is not required.” “What?” is also unacceptable.
I also tell them that they need to sit to eat as well. My stock response on that is, “Giraffes stand up to eat. People sit.”
I have several kids who are totally oral fixated, and constantly have fingers or clothing items in their mouths. My lines? “You are not a goat. Please stop chewing on your clothing.” And, “While sharing is usually a good thing, sharing the germs from your mouth is not. Please keep your fingers out of your mouth.”
That home training is SO essential, right?
May 1st, 2007 at 10:04 am, Chris Says:
I love it that there are still moms out there teaching boys manners. We have been doing the same with Alex and I love it when he actually uses them and you see the face of on-lookers.
Maybe chivalry won’t be dead for much longer
Congrats on your Perfect Post Award!
May 1st, 2007 at 10:59 am, Runmt31 Says:
This gives me hope for my little boy!
May 1st, 2007 at 11:43 am, Loren Says:
My boyfriend’s mom didn’t really teach him any of the “ladies first” manners, but he picked them up somewhere. He always opens the door for me or stands waiting with my coat so I can just shrug into it. Must make a mental note to teach my kids manners (if/when I have any).
As far as the Calvin post goes - sad fact here is my room is a jungle and I am 20 years old! I haven’t gotten around to cleaning it yet because I have too darn many classes and work to much.
May 1st, 2007 at 12:16 pm, Kitchen Madonna Says:
Sounds like you need one of my camo aprons!
May 1st, 2007 at 9:51 pm, Heatherw Says:
Again, you give me hope - to carry on. (I heard Debbie Boone in the CVS today). I have 2 and 4 year old boys. This gives me hope that one day all my nagging will bear fruit.
My children ate dinner tonight nekkid. But they did sit at the table.
May 2nd, 2007 at 7:41 pm, Karin B Says:
It is amazing, but they do hear you.
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:40 pm, Karyn Says:
You inspire me to suck way less as a mother than I do.
God, I love you.
May 4th, 2007 at 7:36 am, Antique Mommy Says:
Those little snapshots in life are so precious and make sweet memories. I’ve got a 3YO boy and you always remind that I’ve got a lot of fun boy-stuff to look forward to.