Stumble it!
May 14, 2007
In Which Bill Is Assaulted By Hyperbole
Last night after all the boys were in bed Bill went through his usual routine of locking the doors and turning off the lights.
As he stopped to check the thermostat, Finn moaned from his room, “Dad, it’s broiling in here. You’ve got to turn the air conditioner on more or I’m not going to be able to sleep because I’m sweating so much.”
“Finn, your mother gets chilly at night so we need to compromise on the temperature.”
“You don’t understand, Dad. I need some relief. Steam is coming out of my skin. I’m going to die of dehydration if the air isn’t cooler.”
I heard Bill sigh and fiddle with the controls. A frigid wind started blowing from our vent as he trudged into our room.
“Honey, it’s colder than the Arctic tundra in here,” I complained. “This climate is suitable for polar bears and penguins, but not humans and certainly not me.”
Finn yelled from his room, “An arctic tundra! Mom, it’s more like an arid desert in here, and my skin is parched. My eyeballs are too, and soon I’ll be blind.”
“Be quiet!” I retorted. “You’re going to wake up your brothers. And you need to just sleep with no covers, because in here I’m lying on a mattress of permafrost, suffering from hypothermia. My nose is numb and I’m afraid my teeth are going to shatter because I’m chattering them so hard.”
Bill looked at me, helpless. “Every night, it’s the same thing. I’ve got Finn griping about the heat and you whining about the cold.”
“It’s not cold, it’s glacial,” I interjected.
Finn had wandered to our door and stared at me with that special look that only a fifth-grader can direct at a parent: a mixture of pity and amazement. “Glacial? Glacial? Tropical, maybe. Dad, you gotta talk some sense into her.”
“I give up,” Bill said. “You two masters of hyperbole are driving me nuts. Or maybe I should rephrase that so you two can understand my feelings.”
He thought a minute, then said, “The barrage of hyperbole hurled at me as the two of you try to sort out your differences is causing my cerebrospinal fluid to heat up and boil my neurons to the point where I will morph into a hideous beast and attack you all!”
Finn and I contemplated that a minute.
“High five, Dad,” Finn said, “even though that wasn’t very believable. I’m going to bed.”
“Yeah, major vocabulary points, honey,” I said, as I snuggled into my covers.
I’m not sure, but I think I heard Bill laughing quietly just before we all fell asleep.
RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI
May 14th, 2007 at 12:38 pm, MGM Says:
I vote for glacial. But that’s because I haven’t stopped sweating since I fell pregnant with my first child 4 1/2 years ago. (That’s really only a very SMALL hyperbole on my part!)
May 14th, 2007 at 4:03 pm, Lauren Says:
Funny! I’m used to my nose being freezing cold in our house for most months of the year. I can imagine it’d only be worse if there were more than one man in the house!
May 15th, 2007 at 10:08 am, Kerry Says:
That was a great response from your hubby, too funny. I am always cold myself and my boyfriend is always hot. He keeps threatening to put the AC on…I cringe, curl into a ball and just look at him with those pathetic “Puss in Boots” (From Shrek2) look…..AC still has not been turned on.
May 15th, 2007 at 11:08 am, Clearlykels Says:
See, this is where I need to soak up every glorious moment of living alone. My place is perfect. I am always thrilled with the temperature. Good luck with the glacial temps. I hear that the sub arctic wind is a bitch.
May 15th, 2007 at 12:23 pm, Karyn Says:
Holy Crap. The KIDS are going to start speaking to me in hyperbole some day - why did I never realise this before? Thank you for the heads up - I will start speaking in simple terms to them, and fast, before they start getting shirty with me.
Well. You know. More so.
May 15th, 2007 at 6:23 pm, KLee Says:
I have the EXACT same conversation (except change your son to a daughter) on quite a regular basis. JF likes penguins to nest on our bed while Offspring takes off every stitch of clothing and wanders around like she’s auditioning for “Hair.” I get no peace, and worse even than that — I’m roasted to a fine crisp on one side, and completely raw on the other. It’s enough to give a Mom a complex!
May 15th, 2007 at 10:34 pm, Jodi with the toddler and triplets Says:
Cannot convince husband/friends/family that 77 degrees is the perfect room temperature. Have been accused of having a thyroid condition. If so, I would hope to be MUCH thinner before seeking treatment.
May 15th, 2007 at 11:00 pm, Loren Says:
Just tell him to try living in a house with no air conditioning at all, and then come back and complain.
He should be thankful there is even an A/C option!
May 16th, 2007 at 6:31 am, Antique Mommy Says:
You went to sleep? Because I find that level of hyperbole kind of sexy.
May 16th, 2007 at 3:02 pm, Karin B Says:
Hyperbole, personification, metaphor—5th grade English lessons,right? I remember when my son was learning them. You provided such excellent practice!! As far as the temperature problems go, wait a few years, you’ll be begging them to turn that thermostat down. I loved the story.
May 16th, 2007 at 6:30 pm, mom2ameliaB Says:
It’s hormones! Finn’s are raging and your’s must be waning. I say this because I am like Finn for about two weeks of the month and just like you for the rest of the cycle. It makes my husband so crazy he’s considering moving to the workshop.
May 13th, 2008 at 2:29 pm, My Tiny Kingdom » Smooch On Over Says:
[...] year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: In Which Bill Is Assaulted By Hyperbole Posted by Anne Glamore @ 2:29 pm • Give Me A Beat! [...]