May 14, 2007

In Which Bill Is Assaulted By Hyperbole

Last night after all the boys were in bed Bill went through his usual routine of locking the doors and turning off the lights.

As he stopped to check the thermostat, Finn moaned from his room, “Dad, it’s broiling in here.  You’ve got to turn the air conditioner on more or I’m not going to be able to sleep because I’m sweating so much.”

“Finn, your mother gets chilly at night so we need to compromise on the temperature.”

“You don’t understand, Dad.  I need some relief.  Steam is coming out of my skin.  I’m going to die of dehydration if the air isn’t cooler.”

I heard Bill sigh and fiddle with the controls.  A frigid wind started blowing from our vent as he trudged into our room.

“Honey, it’s colder than the Arctic tundra in here,” I complained.  “This climate is suitable for polar bears and penguins, but not humans and certainly not me.”

Finn yelled from his room, “An arctic tundra!  Mom, it’s more like an arid desert in here, and my skin is parched.  My eyeballs are too, and soon I’ll be blind.”

“Be quiet!” I retorted.  “You’re going to wake up your brothers.  And you need to just sleep with no covers, because in here I’m lying on a mattress of permafrost, suffering from hypothermia.  My nose is numb and I’m afraid my teeth are going to shatter because I’m chattering them so hard.”

Bill looked at me, helpless.  “Every night, it’s the same thing.  I’ve got Finn griping about the heat and you whining about the cold.”

“It’s not cold, it’s glacial,” I interjected.

Finn had wandered to our door and stared at me with that special look that only a fifth-grader can direct at a parent: a mixture of pity and amazement. “Glacial?  Glacial?  Tropical,  maybe. Dad, you gotta talk some sense into her.”

“I give up,” Bill said.  “You two masters of hyperbole are driving me nuts.  Or maybe I should rephrase that so you two can understand my feelings.”

He thought a minute, then said, “The barrage of hyperbole hurled at me as the two of you try to sort out your differences is causing my cerebrospinal fluid to heat up and boil my neurons to the point where I will morph into a hideous beast and attack you all!”

Finn and I contemplated that a minute.

“High five, Dad,” Finn said, “even though that wasn’t very believable.  I’m going to bed.”

“Yeah, major vocabulary points, honey,” I said, as I snuggled into my covers.

I’m not sure, but I think I heard Bill laughing quietly just before we all fell asleep.

May 9, 2007

Music Festival Review: Top Five Offbeat Observations From My Three Sons

1. Drew: Mom usually doesn’t mind when Porter picks up junk off the ground because he does that everywhere, but she really freaked out when she realized he was carrying this empty bottle.

She told us it was called Jagermeister.  She said Jagermeister is an energy drink for animals and the bottle probably had horse germs so Porter had to put it down immediately.  When she said that Daddy started snorting and I saw a booger moving up and down in his nose.  There was a picture of a deer on the label of the bottle, but I didn’t see any animals at the concert.  Well, I saw crawfish, but they were dead and people were eating them.

2. Finn: My brothers and I were at the Chick-fil-A tent getting dinner while Mom bought our drinks.  I saw her talking to a man while she was at the Budweiser tent buying my dad a beer.   I think the man was trying to flirt with her.  I told Daddy, “That man is trying to put the moves on our Mom.”  We got our chicken nuggets and ran over there and I was right!  I heard the man say, “When you said you were here with lots of baggage, I thought you meant the emotional kind, not your husband and kids.” Mom got all red in the face and looked really happy to see Daddy.

3. Porter:  Mommy took me and Drew way up close to the front of the stage but Finn and Daddy didn’t want to go because there were so many people all squinched together.  The ugly guy who sings for Hinder had ladies’ bras hanging from his microphone.  I asked Mommy why and she said they were decoration.  I thought bras were just to cover up girls’ bosoms.  If they can be decorations I think we should put them on our Christmas tree because that would be funny.

4. Drew:  When we were waiting for Akon to sing this boy and this girl right in front of us started kissing each other really hard.  They were smushing their faces together and sticking their tongues out.  I asked Mom if they were going to make a baby and she said she thought so.  I think they heard us because they stopped kissing and looked at us and said we were cute.  Then they walked away a little bit and I saw the girl smoking a cigarette.  Smoke came out her nose like the dragon in Shrek but the guy kissed her anyway.  He must be her boyfriend.

5. Finn: My dad was really excited to see the Spin Doctors because they were the only band he’d ever heard of, because he’s like, more into sports.  He calls Akon “Acorn” and Mom says, “Honey, you sound like a redneck when you say that.”

When the Spin Doctors started playing the singer starting doing this weird kicking thing with his leg.  My mom said it would have been a better move if he didn’t look so old.  She said if he was going to jump around like he was twenty years old he should at least dye his beard ’cause it’s going gray.  We weren’t that close to him and I could tell he had more gray hair than my dad.

Mom told us we could only write about five things.  But I wanted to say that my brothers and I got to climb up this cool rock wall.

Later I heard Mom tell my brothers that she hoped they had a good time because all she did was hold them up so they could see the stage while she stared at their bottoms.  I think she was getting a little crotchety.

Then we all went home.

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The theme for this post came from ProBlogger’s Top 5 Group Writing Project.  Click over and check it out!

May 7, 2007

My Wild & Crazy Guys

To Finn: You know I like to wake to the mellifluous voice of Steve Inskeep on Morning Edition.  Why, then, do you insist on setting your alarm to blast Weird Al Yankovich’s “Found It On eBay” when you know it is likely to piss me off?

Tell me why (I need another Pet Rock)

Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm clock)

Tell me why (I bid on Shatner’s toupee)

They had it on eBay

You’re lucky I really love you.

To Drew:  The Sunchips, marshmallows, saltines and roasted peanuts were actually intended for consumption, but if you’d rather painstakingly construct a culinary/architectural masterpiece with them it’s okay by me.  Using honey to hold “The Greatest Snack of Your Dreams” together was sheer genius, and the blue starberries add a bright, cheery touch.  Way to go, future Frank Lloyd Wright/Thomas Keller man!

To Porter:  The look on your face says there’s nothing more fun than jumping on the trampoline while splashing yourself with the hose.  I better put down this camera and join you.

May 3, 2007

Marathon Mom’s Airport Adventure

She irritated him the first time they met.  They were both at the airport, sitting next to each other at the shoeshine stall.  She carelessly set down her coffee, which spilled and splattered all over his new cell phone.  She apologized, and he accepted but didn’t mean it.

Later they eyed each other warily across the terminal.  She looked familiar to him, though he knew he’d never seen her before.  He rose from his seat and stretched, then approached her.

“Are you related to Anne Glamore?” he inquired.  “You look a lot like her.”

She wasn’t, but Marathon Mom was on her way to New York to help care for me after my spine surgery.  She had never been to the city, and despite my assurances to the contrary, pictured muggers lurking in every shadowy doorway and rapists waiting to attack her as she took out the garbage.  Nonetheless, she was willing to risk her life to help a friend in need.

He introduced himself as Chris.  He told her that he’d grown up with Bill in Auburn, specialized in insurance, and had been working with us to coordinate our benefits for the out-of-state surgery.

There were surreptitious glances at left hands.  She was going through a divorce, but still had on her wedding band.  He’d been divorced for a while and wore no ring.

When Marathon Mom arrived in New York and told Bill and me about her encounter, we fell over ourselves (not literally– I was confined to bed) rhapsodizing about Chris’s outstanding qualities.  When Bill wasn’t around, I waxed poetic about Chris’s impressive swimmer’s build and outstanding hair.  Marathon Mom was flustered and began furiously scrubbing the floors.

Bill’s mom called later to check on my post-operative progress.  He told her the “what a small world story” of one of my best friends meeting Chris, one of his best friends, at the airport.

While Marathon Mom nursed me back to health, Chris had a disagreeable evening.  He flew to Florida for business and ended up in an impersonal hotel.  An hour later he was sitting dejectedly on the sofa, alone in his boxers, drinking scotch and channel surfing.   Although he attempted to blow-dry it, his cell phone resolutely refused to work.  His young son would already be in bed.  He grimaced, and decided it was worth paying the hotel’s outrageous surcharges to reach out and touch the only person he could think of to call: his mom.

Chris’s mom listened while he moaned about his shitty day and the broken cell phone.  She was usually sympathetic, so he was surprised to hear her say, “It doesn’t sound like that bad a day to me. Didn’t you meet a girl in the airport?”

He stammered his assent, and said, “Mom, she was wearing a wedding ring.  And how did you know?”

“I just got back from a scrapbooking workshop and Bill’s mom was there.  She says that girl won’t be wearing a ring much longer!” his mom trilled.  “I can’t wait to meet her!”

Their first date was not a huge success.  Marathon Mom had come down from her initial dating high and was freaked out about the fact that she was divorced and single.  She was cold and distant.  Chris felt rebuffed.

Months passed.  Marathon Mom went on other dates, some of which were so atrocious that we snicker about them to this very day when she is not around.  Chris was thrust into the background.

True love eluded Marathon Mom.

It’s been said that history is just fables that have been agreed upon.  Every couple has a right to establish the milestones of their romance any way they desire.  Marathon Mom and Chris decreed that their genuine first date took place many months after the pseudo-first date referenced above.  This first date played like a cheesy chick flick.  He took her to dinner and they talked for hours.

Just before she ran her first marathon, he gave her an encouraging card and a gift certificate for a massage.  A couple of weeks later they went to lunch and he brought her favorite cupcakes with homemade buttercream icing.  There were three inside the box, one for her and one for each of her two children.

One thing led to another, and then there was this.

Best wishes to the new family!