August 14, 2007

Bow Chicka Wow Wow

Hell. The the Axe effect has struck our house again, but this time the outcome was worse, thanks to my big mouth.

Last Friday I was running errands with the boys, and as Finn and I strolled across the CVS parking lot together I heard him singing “Bow chicka wow wow” under his breath. I bought sunscreen and Finn bought some body spray after I nixed his request for back-to-school cologne.

He grooved to the “Bow chicka wow wow” again as we walked into the eye doctor’s office to get his contacts checked. And again on our way into Publix.

I don’t know what that song makes you think of, but I imagine naked bodies undulating in a hazy 1970’s style den with green shag carpeting.

“Finn, where did you hear that?” I finally asked him, worried that he’d been over at a friend’s house watching all sorts of naughty things.

“On an Axe commercial,” he said nonchalantly, kicking a rock across the asphalt as we walked. “You should see it. There’s this girl wheeling an old lady in the grocery store, and she sees this guy, and she, like, hurls the wheelchair and starts dancing around and stuff near the boy because she likes his body spray. It’s hilarious.”

He laughed while I fumed. As soon as we got back into the minivan I peeked in the CVS bag at his body spray. It was Axe phoenix scent. Unfortunately, I’d momentarily forgotten that some toiletries specifically marketed to boys are not rated G or even PG. He’d been sucked in by the Axe commercials again while I wasn’t paying attention.

Once we got home, I pulled him into my room for a quick chat.

“Finn, you’ve got to get a new tune,” I said.

“Why?”

“Because that “Bow chicka wow wow” music is how you describe the cheesy songs they play in pornos,” I whispered.

“What’s a porno?” he whispered back.

Damn. I couldn’t believe he didn’t already know what a porno was and I was the one who’d brought it up. Please come here often for parenting tips, or at least to learn what not to do when attempting to raise boys.

Anyway, having raised the issue, I was determined to see it through.

“Well, Finn- -and this is not information that you should share with your brothers or your friends–”porno” is short for “pornographic” which is a kind of movie that is poorly written, with stilted dialogue, to the extent there is any dialogue, and a weak plot, to the extent there is any plot, because the main focus of the movie is naked people making googly eyes and so on and so forth.”

“Googly eyes like you and Daddy sometimes make at the dinner table, or googly eyes like where you’re trying to make a baby?”

“Both,” I said. “And the movies have terrible music, and the way people describe the music in a pornographic film is “bow chicka wow wow.”

“No way,” Finn said.

“It’s true,” I confirmed. “So sing something else, dude. I don’t need everyone in the Tiny Kingdom thinking you sit around watching pornos all day.”

Posted by Anne Glamore @ 6:09 pm • Faux Pas, Googly Eyes: Make Love Not War, I Birthed 'Em, Now What?

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35 Responses to “Bow Chicka Wow Wow”

August 14th, 2007 at 7:09 pm, Kimberly Says:

I literally cried, I laughed so hard just now. . Obnoxiously hormonal as they may be, you just reaffirmed for me why I am so relieved that I have girls. Somehow, I just don’t see this conversation playing out with the tween girl set. Although, it IS hard to avoid defining the term “hooker” when explaining why Bratz dolls aren’t allowed in our house.

(Oh, and you’re still a better mom than my ex-boyfriend’s was. She actually used a porno in order to avoid having the whole “googley eyes” talk. yeah.)
August 14th, 2007 at 8:02 pm, Jodi Says:

Oh…my…GOSH!!! I cannot believe you got yourself into that conversation over COLOGNE!!! Although I certainly agree that the AXE commercials are definitely PG-13 and should only be played after 9 p.m. Yikes! Thanks for the parenting tips!! Boys are still easier than girls…at least boys aren’t the ones hurling their grandmothers around supermarkets on national television, right?
August 14th, 2007 at 8:19 pm, Hillary Says:

Ha Ha! I just had to read this outloud to my husband and his friend. They both laughed! I can’t even imagine being talked to about pornos at Finn’s age! Hilarious!
August 14th, 2007 at 9:29 pm, Sandra Says:

Yup - my 13 year old nephew taught the Bow Chicka Wow Wow to his 8 year old brother and 8 year old cousin - MY son. And the dance. Lovely. Went over really well at the cottage get together. Luckily there were only a couple of us that thought “porno” and not “Axe”.
Hoping it goes away soon…
August 14th, 2007 at 9:47 pm, Erika, Plain Jane Mom Says:

What? I’m not supposed to come here for parenting advice? Damn woman, where was that disclaimer earlier? I have 3 boys and need all the help I can get.

And this post made me laugh so hard!
August 14th, 2007 at 11:34 pm, jean Says:

I’m crying. Coughing and choking. I just went into the bathroom to check what my son is using. AXE Phoenix deodorant and body wash. You can’t make this stuff up. He’s 11. I’ve never seen the commercials. I was just so thrilled that he wanted to smell good I never questioned it. Porno? I am not sure I can have that talk. Can’t I stick my head in the sand and pretend that he just wants to smell good? Please?
August 15th, 2007 at 7:58 am, Clearlykels Says:

ha ha ha!! Oh my gosh! That was so funny. You had to explain what a porno was. Wow! Good on you. That is crazy.
August 15th, 2007 at 8:14 am, Kate Says:

Reading this is making me feel very thankful that I’m only dealing with a one-year-old right now. While I certainly have my hands full with teething, naps, and learning to walk (him, not me), I’m definitely not ready for pornos! I think I’ll need the next 11 years to gear up for that.
August 15th, 2007 at 8:50 am, Blue Momma Says:

That is just tooooo funny! It goes to show that we parents need to watch what we say in more ways than one.

I’ve got a very precocious soon-to-be three year old. I’m figuring this will happen to us around age 7!
August 15th, 2007 at 9:35 am, Joy East of theKingdom Says:

OMG! I actually snorted hot coffee out my nose when I read this! I have a 13-almost-14 year old and what did my hubby buy for him right before school started…you got it…Axe body products!

After having to explain some questionable diolouge in the Transformer’s movie (if you’ve seen it, you will know)to both him and my tween, guess I’d better get ready for this too.
August 15th, 2007 at 9:53 am, Runmt31 Says:

along with everyone else- I laughed out loud at work no less!
August 15th, 2007 at 10:26 am, Karin B Says:

You would need to lock your kids in a closet to keep them from being exposed to all that “..chicka wow wow…”. I’m laughing! My son had me sniff all his seven scents of Axe to PROVE to me how awesome this stuff was. (I worry about all those chemicals.)
August 15th, 2007 at 10:29 am, Laura Says:

I am in the middle of a workshop. I have 15 teachers seriously engaged in rigourous, intensive examination of practice an content. I just spit coffee all over my computer. Now *that’s* good for my credibility.

Note to self- don’t use the wireless to check personal websites while theoretically facilitating.
August 15th, 2007 at 11:58 am, momumo Says:

Well… as usual you turned the mundane into hilarious - my 15 y/o son uses axe (and the other one, I never can keep them straight) so last time that you had a post about the picture on the bottle with the threesome - I checked it out - that’s the one he had - he laughed at me, he told me he would just be happy to smell good enough to talk with some girls and not to worry about a threesome, he’s not getting naked in front of a girl till he has some hair in his armpits (at least that buys me a few months).

Let me tell you this - as uncomfortable as it is, the porn discussion really MUST occur - kids have access to way nastier deviant porn than we ever thought of seeing - and even if you lock your internet, or you helicopter over them while they are in your house - they will see porn on a computer, it will happen at a friends house, the library, even possibly school… and I am a VEHEMENT believer that you must explain to them that porn is FOR ADULTS and that most porn is WEIRD AND NOT NORMAL - normal people do not do those things or look like that - and that’s not an old fashioned prude talking because I’m pretty damn open minded and I think what most couples do privately is okay as long as noone is getting hurt or physically endangering themselves - but a lot of what goes on in porn is physically UNHEALTHY - you can throw your own moral twist in there if you must, but I think that kids have to separate morality from physically unhealthy to make certain decisions, then they can decide where their own moral compass points, and hopefully it’s not toward bow-chicka-wow-wow.

Oh yeah and whoever said that girls are easier — ha! We had to have the ‘why are condoms flavored discussion’… which was asked by my youngest darling when she was about ELEVEN - oh wasn’t that fun.

Oh and as for the movie bit - my answer to my kids has always been, if you are old enough to understand it, you are old enough to laugh at it - if you don’t get it, then you don’t laugh - and that’s that.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:13 pm, Cassie Says:

I am laughing and crying at the same time. This is now my favorite of all time posts.

I would rather explain porn, than genital herpes any day.

We were watching a game show late the other night, Ninja Warrior, which my son loves. And I didn’t have the remote control close by. A Valtrex commercial came on, and before I could grab the remote, I heard this little voice. “Do I have genital herpes?” “Do I need Valtrex?” They really need to implement a law that claims any commercial not PG-13 can only be shown between midnight and 6 am.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:36 pm, jo Says:

My Girl Scouts sing that song because they think the commercial is hysterical. I loathe it and I’ve had to add that one to the list of “Inappropriate for Girl Scouts” songs that I have. Although for this one I just claimed it was because the commercial annoyed me too much. It isn’t my place to explain porno to my girls.
August 15th, 2007 at 12:59 pm, Livin in LV Says:

You are my favorite interweb Mom! Period. I have had to have similar conversations with my daughter. Yes,plural. She’s been asking questions about things I NEVER would have imagined since she could talk. She’s eleven going on 25 some days. I just give her a basic answer, not too much, but not too leading,(you know, insert foot type of info.) Most of the time she’s satisfied. LOL I love how you explain things to the boys. It makes me feel as though I am actually doing something right with her. Moms DO have the same train of thought, no matter where they are. Thanks again, and Happy Hump Day! (pun intended )
August 15th, 2007 at 1:19 pm, Susan Says:

Here all this time I have been dreading the growing up of my daughter, when it is my son I need to be worried about.

Gracious. I don’t know what I am going to do.
August 15th, 2007 at 1:30 pm, KLee Says:

Boy, oh boy. I was wanting to ask if Finn mentioned anything about “popping a boner” but I think I just wigged myself out. I am now officially freaked out.

Thank God this Axe stuff isn’t marketed for girls.

And many shout-outs to the other fans of Ninja Warrior!
August 15th, 2007 at 1:34 pm, Stephanie Honeycutt Says:

Crap. I wondered where my 13 year old son AND his father got the “Bow Chicka Wow Wow”….. now I know. Crap Crap. And darned if my child doesn’t wear AXE - he has the shampoo, conditioner, deodorant and the body spray, and was once accused of spraying the stinky stuff on the schoolbus last year.
August 15th, 2007 at 2:00 pm, wifey615 Says:

Excellent! Great post. I had much the same conversation with my DAUGHTER who is 14!
August 15th, 2007 at 7:48 pm, Mamaluv Says:

I guess this is another example of a teachable moment. On one hand, I’d like the timing to be my own, but in that case I might never work up the courage to broach certain topics… ever.

I like what momumo had to say about this - good idea of how to deal with it. I know too many people who fob off difficult topics by using the lame-o explanation: “some people do/believe ‘A’ and others ‘B’…” Better to be straight-forward because, as you comment, they will see and hear about it eventually anyway. I got my first sex ed chat from my friend in 2nd grade (I was a very sheltered 6-year-old), and my mother didn’t let us play unsupervised for quite a while after that.

Very very funny post, Anne, love your blog!
August 16th, 2007 at 10:19 am, Busy ME Says:

Oh dear!!! I was reading this thinking how hilariously funny it was but had never heard of the brand “AXE” (I am in Australia)

I almost fell off my chair when half an hour later an ad came on for “Lynx” which is really popular here and there was the girl singing “bow chicka wow wow”!!!

I guess the ad was so successfully they have used it internationally, and isn’t it interesting the different names for the same product in 2 different countries…..

Thanks for the laugh
August 16th, 2007 at 10:40 am, Y Says:

“Sing something else, dude” is the funniest thing I’ve read all day.
August 16th, 2007 at 10:50 am, lynn Says:

Did you ever get to see the commercial? I was curious - it’s on YouTube, until/unless it gets taken down. Here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwnsZOxjfRQ
That is one bizarre commercial.
August 16th, 2007 at 10:54 am, Sandie Says:

Hilarious! I did think of you when I saw a three pack of Axe at Target aptly named “The Threesome”. Watch out for that one!
August 16th, 2007 at 12:04 pm, momumo Says:

wow! we have DVR (tevo) and so we never see commercials — that is freakin crazy! I think if my daughters saw that it would merit a conversation on respecting yourself enough not to leave any doubt about your own ethics by acting um… slutty
August 16th, 2007 at 2:20 pm, Karin B Says:

Wow, what a commercial! By the way, I was informed by my 15-year-old that they usually show it with TV-14 shows, like the ones in Comedy Central.
August 16th, 2007 at 3:47 pm, Mir Says:

I just want to thank you for being (and sharing) one of the grounded, well-adjusted families on the ‘net. It is such a relief to read about another funky, weird, albeit normal family.

THANK you.

Obviously, my hormones have taken over.
August 16th, 2007 at 4:48 pm, MammaLoves Says:

*sniff sniff*

Something smells like Axe.
August 16th, 2007 at 8:16 pm, Susu Says:

The new Target down 65 has a three pack of Axe, which we purchased just before school started, as if we didn’t already have about twelve assorted sizes already!! Upon opening the box, I found inside three magnetic pin-up-looking girl cut-out thingys to adhere to the shower, so “you can shower with girls”. Who exactly does their advertising? Target also had a black t-shirt with that bow-wow-chicka-thingy for only $7.95, so my 7th grader got it for the beach/pool.

By the way, I threw away the shower clingy thingys, because even with three showers in our home, everyone wants to use mine, and I don’t want to look up and see those posing girls (or my husband to see them, either).
August 17th, 2007 at 7:04 am, Jamie Says:

That is TOO funny…the Axe effect. OMG

Once again you make me glad I have girls, although if Caitlin ever gets wind of the porn word she’ll be shouting out at the playground…”My Mommy says PORN IS BAD!”

Hey at least your kid smells good.

p.s. may very well have to send this link to my best friend who has three boys, one of whom is nearing the Bow Chicka Wow Wow talk stage
October 28th, 2007 at 3:02 pm, All Women Blogging Carnival : Mad Goat Lady Says:

[...] presents Bow Chicka Wow Wow posted at My Tiny Kingdom, saying, “Who knew toiletries for boys could be X [...]
November 2nd, 2007 at 8:31 am, bloggingzoom.com Says:

Bow Chicka Wow Wow…

Anne Glamore is shocked when she’s shopping with her pre-teen, Finn, and hears him humming a tune that’s clearly… pornographic. Where would an eleven-year-old hear music that was popular in the 70’s, and why is he singing it in the parking lot of…
February 18th, 2008 at 10:52 am, The Bow Chicka Wow Wow Effect Strikes Utah « The Benevolent Dictator Says:

[...] by thebenevolentdictator under My Kids, marriage | Tags: children, marriage | As amusing as this entry is from the Tiny Kingdom, I felt really guilty. At least her boys are older than my seven year [...]