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September 10, 2007
I’m Making Eggs And I Don’t Mean Scrambled
One of Finn’s teachers had the nerve to assign Bill and me homework. She sought information about Finn’s personality, his dreams, fears and passions. Referring her to this website did not appear to be an option, and because I didn’t know the teacher, I couldn’t very well write “Finn is just like me, but with a penis” and leave it at that, although it would have been God’s honest truth.
All writing assignments tend to be funneled to me, but I made Bill sit with me one night and ponder our oldest son. Bill was able to brainstorm for about 45 seconds until the twins’ game of bathtub battleship sloshed so much water onto the floor that it started dripping into the basement, at which point he ran upstairs to captain the bailing and toweling actions that followed.
The homework was due just after Finn’s three days of grounding. His treatment of his brothers had improved only minimally. Consequently, I wasn’t thinking of him fondly and generating a list of Finn’s positive attributes was a herculean task. Eventually, I wrote that he is social, musical, athletic and overly-confident. I pointed out that he’s never had to sweat over his schoolwork before, and so I expect this year will be a challenge.
None of this made him sound likable, so I added that he can cook, make a mean cup of coffee, do laundry and perform other vital household chores. I didn’t mention that sometimes he must be beaned in the head with a pair of Fruit of the Looms to accomplish this.
I finished up the worksheet:
Finn’s Dream: baseball player by day, drummer by night, with a hot chick on the side (Bill insisted on the last item)
Finn’s Fear: zits, revocation of privileges
Finn’s passion: Auburn football, dancing
Finn read the sheet after Bill and I had tucked Porter in and Drew was snuggling in my bed reading.
“I’m not afraid of zits,” he said indignantly when he finished reading the sheet. “I don’t even have any. Y’all are the ones who always freak out about my skin.”
“There’s no ‘y’all’ in this. It’s your mom,” Bill said. “I don’t have any idea what all that stuff she wants you to spread on your face is for. And she bought me all this funky lotion with sunscreen in it.”
“I realize I’m the only one worrying about everyone’s skin. That’s why you don’t have any zits,” I told Finn.
“Mom, I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you have Jupiter and Venus on your forehead. I saw them this morning.”
“Honey, I’m making an egg,” I said tiredly. I’d spent a lot of time spraying my hair to cover the pimples, but apparently I wasn’t concealing anything.
“No offense,” Finn persisted, “but are you working overtime on that egg? Or maybe you’re making two?”
“That’s been known to happen,” Bill said.
“There will be no fertilizing tonight, or we’ll end up with MORE boys,” I whispered to Bill.
“I heard that and that’s gross,” Finn said. “Almost as gross as those zits. I’m going to wash my face in case they’re catching.”
Acne at forty (well, acne at any age) is frustrating. You have to keep your hands off your skin and wait for the medicine and time to cure the problem. Eventually clear skin returns, until the next bout of PMS.
Trying to cure a pre-teen of his know-it-all attitude appears to be impossible. You can give him space, you can restrict his activities, but in the end only time will (hopefully) turn him into a reasonable man.
And there’s no Clearasil to hurry the process along.
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September 10th, 2007 at 8:47 am, liz Says:
You know I love you, right? ‘Cause I just snorted coffee all over my keyboard again.
When will I learn NOT to drink beverages when reading you?
September 10th, 2007 at 8:55 am, cardiogirl Says:
I just recently had to give ten adjectives to my kid’s second grade teacher. I considered pulling out the thesaurus but was able to be diplomatic all on my own. A sampling of some of the adjectives follows (please note there are many ways to say bossy):
tenacious
astute
thoughtful
strong willed
active
generous
helpful
September 10th, 2007 at 8:59 am, amy Says:
Shoot, I always thought boys were harder when younger but easier when older (than girls, that is). But you are making me dread the preteen & teen years. Sigh.
Also. WHAT skin stuff? Can you share your secrets? Because PMS is wreaking havoc on me. I’d like to know when we women get to have clear skin. When we’re too old to care?
September 10th, 2007 at 9:02 am, momumo Says:
well my fifteen year old is also a know-it-all, and in fact, not only does he know-it-all, but I apparently know not a freakin thing - according to the look on his face, the living room carpet is smarter than me. But faced with the actual question, would you prefer different parents or is there someone else’s mom that you would rather talk about this with - I get the desired “no mom, you are the best” (best obviously is relative, and therefore I must assume that all moms are complete dolts). I would love to tell you that things improve, and it seems with my nieces/nephews that it did - but I’m not seeing a lot of it in my home - though the other day at the harvest festival they all three got along pretty well for over an hour! And they willingly stayed with us old parent types (of course we did have the $$)
September 10th, 2007 at 11:46 am, Angie Says:
I’m 30 going on 12 with my skin. After baby #2, hubby got snipped, so I’m off the pill. It’s like going through puberty all over again, and it’s only getting worse!! I’ve tried Neutrogena, Proactiv, Arbonne, etc. NOTHING works.
September 10th, 2007 at 4:34 pm, KLee Says:
I will join the ranks of those grousing about being WAAAY past puberty, and STILL freaking dealing with acne. If I washed my face anymore, it’d fall right damn off.
I hear you on Finn’s crank level lately. Offspring has been on the dad-blamed charts. I’m ready to sell her to Gypsys. I may not be happier, but I’d sure like the quiet. Who knew eye-rolling was actually audible?!?
September 10th, 2007 at 4:36 pm, Elizabeth Says:
Hi Anne! I just finished reading a few of your Recent posts, and a few more of your Best Ever posts, and now I want to come back and read every single post you’ve ever written ever. That would be okay with you, right?
I’m adding you to my blogroll on Table for Five, and faving you in Technorati, because you are hilarious and you write really well!
September 10th, 2007 at 4:36 pm, KLee Says:
Uh….that’s OFF the dad-blamed charts. Not only do I have a cranky tween, skin with craters the size of small planetoids — apprarently, I can’t type, either.
September 11th, 2007 at 12:00 am, Kathy Says:
Same here. My husband teases me that I must have been 10 when we married and have been going thru my teen-acne years ever since! I even took Accutane when my twins were weaned and it worked great, for about 7 years. The doc said it would be good for almost 10 years and by then, I’d be close to 40 and over it. Nope. It’s been 9 years and my skin is as bad as before.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:10 am, Antique Mommy Says:
Oh my that’s funny! I think if you are writing the check for the tuition (or paying the taxes, or both) you should be exempt from the homework. And yeah, at 47, the zits, they still keep a’coming. To have zits and wrinkles is just wrong.
September 11th, 2007 at 10:36 am, Traci Says:
If there were Clearisil for 11-year-old boy attitude, I would buy stock in the company! But still make my full-of-attitude 11-year-old boy pay his own way for college.
September 11th, 2007 at 11:07 am, Susu Says:
But don’t you all remember how you were at that age? Constant drama and tears. I try so hard to convey to my 12 year old son that no matter what happens, we’re on his side. I tell him that, like God, we’ll never leave him. I don’t know if that consoles him or makes him madder.
Anne, try “Evening Primrose Oil” for the acne. My wonderful OB/GYN, Dr. Lyle, who is battling non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma at the moment, told me about it. I’d been having lots of PMS, pre-menopause, etc. symptoms, and thought that it was something to rub on (!!). It’s only a capsule that you can purchase on the vitamin aisle at most any store. I did a little research on the web before purchasing, and the benefits are tremendous. I don’t take the full daily dose of three capsules, usually just 1-2. It has helped with everything!!
I wonder if I could give it to my son???
September 11th, 2007 at 11:29 am, Her Bad Mother Says:
This my future, I know it. I KNOW IT. And I am afraid.
September 11th, 2007 at 1:39 pm, smiley Says:
I think stress gives me acne. Nothing worse than feeling like a teenager.
September 11th, 2007 at 2:04 pm, Jodi Says:
I’m currently treating my acne with a 64 oz. bag of M&M Peanuts and a 20 oz. Pepsi…obviously, I’m a few weeks past the egg stage. If you have any lotions/potions/elixirs you want to tell me about, I’m all ears (they frame my zits so well).
September 12th, 2007 at 11:10 am, Cassie Says:
Neosporin helps.
I’m sick of teachers giving us homework for the kids.
September 12th, 2007 at 11:50 am, Karin Says:
I agree with Cassie, I thought my school days were long gone.
September 13th, 2007 at 12:37 am, Magrak Says:
I’m a longtime lurker. I have boy-girl twins who are turning my hair prematurely white. But I can’t blame my skin breakouts on them. Have you tried the Zeno, though? It’s this new FDA-approved gadget that seriously stops pimples-to-be in their tracks. My husband was mocking it as the ZitPod because it looks a lot like an iPod, but he’s started stealing it from me to use on his own occasional 30-something-year-old breakouts. It uses a low dose of very focused heat to kill the bacteria. It leaves a small round red mark that looks a bit like a pimple hickey (ugh) but fades within an hour or two. Usually the pimple is gone within a day. I have no affiliation with the company, I just have tried everything in the universe including all kinds of alternative crap (I once faithfully used a curry masque for a month) and this really works for me!
Sorry if that is TMI. I love your blog.
September 13th, 2007 at 11:48 am, Jennifer Says:
Oh my, your zits are NOTHING compared to the tumors that have been erupting on my chin!!! I like to refer to them as PORNO ZITS because they keep spewing and spewing endless amounts of white goo.
I can’t keep my hands off of them. It’s impossible. They are there and like Mount Everest, they must be climbed. Or picked, as the case may be.
September 16th, 2007 at 9:26 pm, My Tiny Kingdom » Detoxify Noxious Athletic Shoes In 3 Easy Steps!* Says:
[...] which was quite helpful in retrospect, but which sort of pissed me off at the time because I was PMS-ing and was looking forward to a [...]