January 30, 2008

Coincidence?

Things are getting suspiciously groovy chez Glamore. Long hair is the trend. Two-thirds of my boys are wearing necklaces. Yesterday I helped Drew tie-dye a shirt. (The kit was a Christmas gift from Aunt Lulu.)

Today I went into Finn’s room and saw this “water glass” by his bed.

I was alarmed, and I smelled something that made me feel woozy.

I hope it was the severed deer’s tail, and not something else.

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THREE years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Name That Kid

January 29, 2008

Ch-Ch-Ch-Check It Out!

Imagine achieving a goal you’d worked toward for years. Satisfying, yes? But suppose what you’ve done is create something that must be promoted.

Some people would love that part, and others would abhor having to go out and chat it up with random strangers. There’s a third scenario, however, and that’s where Patry Francis who blogs at Simply Wait fits in.

Patry’s book The Liar’s Diary is out in paperback today, but she’s suffering some health problems and isn’t able to promote it herself. No matter– there are plenty of us in the blogosphere who are happy to help.

Here’s the scoop:

When new music teacher Ali Mather enters Jeanne Cross’s quiet suburban life, she brings a jolt of energy that Jeanne never expected. Ali has a magnetic personality and looks to match, drawing attention from all quarters. Nonetheless, Jeanne and Ali develop a friendship based on their mutual vulnerabilities. THE LIAR’S DIARY (Plume / February 2008 / ISBN 978-0-452-28915-4 / $14.00) is the story of Ali and Jeanne’s friendship, and the secrets they both keep.

Jeanne’s secrets are kept to herself; like her son’s poor report card and husband’s lack of interest in their marriage. Ali’s secrets are kept in her diary, which holds the key to something dark: her fear that someone has been entering her house when she is not at home. While their secrets bring Jeanne and Ali together, it is this secret that will drive them apart. Jeanne finds herself torn between her family and her dear friend in order to protect the people she loves.

A chilling tour of troubled minds, THE LIAR’S DIARY questions just how far you’ll go for your family and what dark truths you’d be willing to admit—even to yourself.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Patry Francis is a three-time nominee for the Pushcart Prize whose work has appeared in the Tampa Review, Colorado Review, Ontario Review, and the American Poetry Review. She is also the author of the popular blogs, simplywait.blogspot.com and waitresspoems.blogspot.com. This is her first novel. Please visit her website at www.patryfrancis.com.

Praise for THE LIAR’S DIARY:

“Twists and turns but never lets go.”—Jacquelyn Mitchard, bestselling author of The Deep End of the Ocean

“A quirky, well-written and well-constructed mystery with an edge.”—Publishers Weekly

“Outright chilling.”—New York Daily News

“Genuinely creepy…The unlikely friendship between a small-town school secretary and a flamboyant teacher proves deadly in this psychological murder mystery.”—Kirkus Reviews

“A twisting ride full of dangerous curves and jaw-dropping surprises. This is one of my favorite reads of the year!”—Tess Gerristen, bestselling author of The Mephisto Club

“Francis draws and tense and moody picture of the perfect home and family being peeled back secret by secret…Four Stars.”—Romantic Times

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If this sounds like a book you’d enjoy, head over to Amazon and grab a copy!

For even more information about the book and the bloggers* who are helping Patry promote it, go here and have a look around!

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Hey- Happy Birthday to Legos, which turned 50 yesterday. Did you know that the Lego bricks sold in one year would circle the world 5 times?

It’s my belief that of those Legos, at least 200 end up in our septic tank each year.

Are you a Lego lover?

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I found a list of the bloggers joining in the effort, and it’s inspiring:

Patti Abbott
Mario Acevedo
Susan Adrian
Samina Ali
Christa Allan
Anne-Marie
Joelle Anthony
Jorge Argueta
Vicki Arkoff - MAD Magazine, Nickelodeon, MW Book Review
Melanie Avila
Tricia Ares
Backspace
Backstory
Terry Bain
Gail Baker - The Debutante Ball
Anjali Banerjee
Lauren Baratz-Logsted
Elizabeth Bartasius
Carolyn Burns Bass
Brett Battles
Laura Benedict
Pinckney Benedict
Janet Berliner
William Bernhardt
Alexander Besher
Bev
Marcie Beyatte
Brenda Birch
Roberto Bonazzi
Bookfinds
Raven Bower
Laura Bowers
Beatrice Bowles
Tara Bradford
Gayle Brandeis
Stacy Brazalovich
Susan Breen - Gotham Writers Workshops
Heather Brewer
Eve Bridburg - Zachary Shuster Harmsworth
Sassy Brit
Heatheraynne Brooks
Debra Broughon
Josie Brown
Pat Brown
Ruth Brown
Ken Bruen
Rachel Kramer Bussel
Aldo Calcagno
Austin S. Camacho
Bill Cameron
Lorenzo Carcaterra
Vincent Carrella
Karen DeGroot Carter
Rosemary Carstens
Cynthia Clark - Futures Mysterious Anthology Magazine
Jon Clinch
Kamela Cody
Oline H. Cogdill - Sun-Sentinal
Tish Cohen
Eileen Cruz Coleman
Myfanwy Collins
Dan Conaway - Writers House
Laurie Connors - Penguin
Eileen Cook
Richard Cooper
David Corbett
Auria Cortes
Bill Crider - Pop Culture Magazine
Kim Cristofoli
Ann Mare Cummins
Sheila Curran
Kristie Cutter
Jordan Dane
Josephine Damian
Daryl Darko
A.J. Davis
Kelli Davis
Alyssa Day
Alma Hromic Deckert
Jim DeFelice
Mike Dellosso
Katrina Denza
Bella DePaulo
Karen Dionne
Felicia Donovan
Julie Doughty - Dutton
Gerry Doyle
Terri DuLong
Firoozeh Dumas
Christine Eldrin
J.T. Ellison - Killer Year
Sheila Clover English - Circle of Seven Productions
Kate Epstein - the Epstein Literary Agency
Kathryn Esplin
Rachel Fershleiser at SMITH Magazine
Ryan Field
Michael A. FitzGerald
William Floyd
Natasha Fondren
Jamie Ford
Connie May Fowler
Heather Fowler
Therese Fowler
Jenifer Fox
Thaisa Frank
Michelle Gable
Gary Gach
Leighton Gage
Neil Gaiman
Colin Galbraith
Jayson Gallaway
Jane Ganahl - Red Room
Erika-Marie S. Geiss
Linda Gerber
Shane Gericke
Tess Gerritsen
Karin Gillespie
Anne Glamore
Kathi Kamen Goldmark
Jewelle Gomez
Susan Helene Gottfried
Deborah Grabien
Elizabeth Graham
Caroline Grant
Robin Grantham
Bob Gray - Shelf Awareness
Nancy O. Greene
Robert Grudin
Lisa Guidarini
David Habbin
Jim Hanas
Lynette Hart
Melanie Harvey
Michael Haskins
Melanie Lynn Hauser
Bill Hayes
Maria Dahvana Headley
Susan Henderson
Heidi the Hick
Georgia Hesse
Billie Hinton
Vicki Hinze
Lori Hope
Khaled Hosseini
Eileen Hutton - Brilliance Audio
Gina Hyams
International Thriller Writers
David Isaak
Susan Ito
Lisa Jackson
Arachne Jericho
Allison Johnson
Jen Jordan - Crimespree
Jungle Red Writers
Lesley Kagen
Polly Kahl
Jessica Keener
Charles Kelly
Lisa Kenny
Beth Kephart
Jackie Kessler
Merle Kessler
Kristy Kiernan - Southern Authors Blog
A.S. King
Jeff Kleinman - Folio Literary Management
Sandra Kring
Kyra
R.D. Laban
Rebecca Laffar-Smith - Writers Roundabout
Clair Lamb
Daphne Larkin
Larramie
Judy Merrill Larson
Caroline Leavitt
Leah
Virginia Lee
Leslie Levine
Mary Lewis
Richard Lewis
Liane
Sharon Linnea
Julie Anne Long
CJ Lyons
Jonathan Maberry
Amy MacKinnon - The Writers Group
Tim Maleeny
Ric Marion
Nancy Martin
Adrienne Mayor
L.C. McCabe
Damian McNicholl
Ellen Meister
Melba
Christa Miller
Kyle Minor
Jacquelyn Mitchard
P. A. Moed
Terri Molina
Pat Montandon
David Montgomery
Alexis Moore
Joe Moore - Inkspot
Amanda Morgan
Sarie Morrell
Murderati
Amy Nathan
Nathalie
National Post
Tia Nevitt
Nicole
Carolyn North
Aurelio O’Brien
Martha O’Connor
Andrea Okrentowich
Lori Oliva
Aimee Palooza
Pamela
Michael Palmer
Stephen Parrish
Marie Peck
Marcia Peterson - WOW! Women on Writing
Jason Pinter
Anthony S. Policastro
Douglas Preston
Publishers Marketplace
Terese Ramin
Jody Reale
Martha Reed
Janet Reid - FinePrint Literary Management
Kamilla Reid
Lance Reynald
Michelle Richmond
Maria Robinson
John Robison
James Rollins
M.J. Rose - Buzz, Balls & Hype
Renee Rosen
Jordan Rosenfeld
Russell Rowland
Anneli Rufus
Hank Ryan
Marcus Sakey
Harris Salat -Visual Thesaurus
Rachel Sarah
Maria Schneider - Writer’s Digest Magazine
Nina Schuyler
Dani Shapiro
Rochelle Shapiro
Charles Shaughnessy
Jessie Sholl
Robert Siegel
Clea Simon
Lynn Sinclair
Jen Singer
Shelley Singer
Sisters in Crime
Robin Slick
BPM Smith - Word & Bass
Bridget Smith
Claudia Smith
Kim Smith
Stephie Smith
Alexandra Sokoloff
Char Solomon
James Spring
Emilie Staat
Kim Stagliano
Maryanne Stahl
Bella Stander
Kelli Stanley
Marta Stephens
Bronwyn Storm
Jennifer Talty
Judith Tannenbaum
Mindy Tarquini
Alice Tasman - the Jean Naggar Literary Agency
Charles R. Temple
David Thayer
The Outfit
Theresa
Joyce Tremel
Danielle Trussoni
Louise Ure
N. L. Valler
Barbara Vey - Publishers Weekly
Bev Vincent
Brenda Wallace
Therese Walsh - Writer Unboxed
John Warner - Tow Books
Gary Wassner
Brenda Webster
Sarah Weinman
Kimberly M. Wetherell
Dan Wickett - Emerging Writers Network
Jennifer Weiner
Laura Wellner
Susan Wiggs
Liz Wolfe
Cheryl Wyatt
Stephen Wylder
Irvin Yalom
Belle Yang
Dawn Yun
Michele Zackheim
Victoria Zackheim
Ernie Zelinski
Crystal Zevon

January 28, 2008

How We Parent - Just Because You Asked

Have I told you about the time Finn drew a picture of a gun at school and got in heaps of trouble? Or the time he slugged the judge’s daughter?

How about the notes I get that say: “Drew and T— got into a pencil duel. Please sign and return this Responsibility slip?” Or, “Mrs. Glamore, are you aware that Porter is supposed to be learning multiplication facts? He made a 42 on his last test and a 50 on the one before that.”

No?

Well, I thought you should know these things before you put too much stock in what I say. Somewhere along the way some of you have decided that I know a bit about parenting, and when I mentioned that Porter was making coffee and Finn was frying bacon and making eggs even more of you went bonkers and demanded to know my secrets to discipline and self-reliance.

It’s lot to pack into a post, so I decided to tackle parenting and discipline in one, and teaching kids to be self reliant into another.

If you have follow up questions, please leave them in the comments, and I’ll be doing something different. In the past I’ve tried to answer comments individually by emailing the commenter. For these posts I’ll answer the questions in the comments so everyone can have the benefit of my hard-won wisdom for what it’s worth.

I think there are three reasons I raise kids the way I do:

(Obviously, Bill and I parent together, but it’s exhausting to write “Bill and I think” every time, so I’m just going to write about me.)

1. I am basically selfish and want as much time as possible to read, write, cook, and drink gimlets and have adult conversation.

2. My mother never did things for us– she was all about teaching us how to do them, and I guess it rubbed off. Plus, I never enjoyed playing Candyland. I encouraged our babysitters to do that with my kids. Once the kids are old enough to play card games like Spit and Gin, then things get fun, in my opinion. You may be different and have the ability to play Hi Ho Cherry-O with those tiny little damn plastic cherries and not lose your mind, and if so, you are a far better parent than I am.

3. We’ve been forced to ask more of the boys at an earlier age because of my health problems. (Specifically, I spent a year undergoing interferon treatment for Hepatitis C, and had a major spine surgery in 2004 that required a full year of recovery. The debilitating treatment and my weak back have meant that I have simply been unable to do some things for the kids.)

Not everyone is like us. Some parents enjoy doing things for their children even when the kids are capable, and there’s nothing wrong with that. My experience has been that my children are happiest when they have clear boundaries, and their boundaries expand as they learn more and demonstrate their trustworthiness.

• Leslie wanted to know what parenting books I’d recommend. Lordy, there are billions out there. Bill and I have stuck with John Rosemond’s books and modified his suggestions as needed. His Parent Power! was recommended by a friend who’s a fabulous mom, and it’s been my go-to for years. I don’t do everything he says, but I really admire Rosemond’s common sense approach, and it has worked for our family. One of my favorite parts is where he tells you what to do with the kid who asks questions non-stop ALL DAY LONG. The fact that Porter is still alive is directly attributable to Rosemind’s sage advice.
• Rosemond gives seminars around the country and Bill and I attended one ages ago, and that was especially valuable. I think it’s essential that you and your spouse be on the same parenting page, so whatever style you adopt, you need to support and reinforce one another and know what the basic rules are.
• Recently we both read Family Building: The Five Fundamentals of Effective Parenting and it was an effective kick in the butt. We realized we’d been letting the boys slide on some things and that Bill wasn’t backing me up as effectively as he could. Rosemond also has books specific to the terrible twos (which may not hit until your kid is three), dealing with homework issues (but alas, he provides no strategy for the parent to escape playing multiplication fact Bingo, a torturous game invented by third-grade teachers), and making teens act like humans (jury still out on this book).
• Boundaries with Kids has been a good supplement. (I love all the books about building Boundaries with anyone making your life difficult.)

• I’ve also been asked whether there are books aimed directly at boys that I would recommend. I’ve tried a couple, but never finished any. I know boys are exuberant and wild at heart, and we shouldn’t stifle their emotions, and so forth. I’ve enjoyed Strong Mothers, Strong Sons: Raising the Next Generation of Men, or at least the portions I’ve read, especially where the author notes that during adolescence a boy is “crazed with madness.” Amen.

• It would not be unfair to use the words “hardass” or “cold-turkey” in describing my parenting style. I used the cry it out method (Ferber’s book) for getting the boys to sleep through the night, and have had sound sleepers ever since. When the boys turned one, they got a birthday cake and I replaced the bottle with a sippy cup- cold turkey. Drew’s addiction to his pacifier made me fear heroin was in his future. When he was eighteen months old, the pacifier fairy took all his pacifiers away and brought him a battery operated toy train.
• We didn’t co-sleep, because Bill and I have tons of fun in the bed alone. Now that we’re positive the boys can sleep in their own beds, Drew reads in bed with me at night, and Porter cuddles with me in the morning.

• The “bite-the bullet” approach has worked for us. It doesn’t work for everyone. If you can’t stomach the momentary (or two day!) unpleasantness in order to achieve the greater good, my parenting style is probably not for you.

• I don’t threaten. I warn, then punish. Tantrums, whining, or being sassy would be good examples of this. Just because I’m Porter’s mom doesn’t mean I’m obligated to listen to him complain about perceived injustices while I’m fixing dinner. I give one warning, and only one, and then send the offender to his room.
• Same approach if I ask a child to do something. If it’s not done, I give one warning, and then impose the punishment. Really, you only have to do that a couple of times before your kids learn to listen to what you say, do it, and then get on with their activities.
• How it sounds:

“Finn, if you hit Drew again it will be one dollar.” “POW!”

“Finn, bring me a dollar immediately.”

• How it doesn’t sound:

“Porter, quit whining.”

“But I’m huuuungry and I’m gonna die if I don’t eat!”

“I’m going to send you to your room if you don’t stop whining!”

“I can’t help it. My empty stomach is making me do it.”

“I’m not going to tell you again…” etc etc.

• Chores are a different matter. The list of morning and evening chores is in the kitchen and each boys’ room. Failure to do a chore results in immediate consequences. Our most common punishments are loss of computer /tv time or a fine. (This year when we increased the boys’ chore load, we had to actually give them 30 minutes of tv or computer time per day so we’d have a privilege to take away when they screwed up.) The first week everyone missed their tv time; now it’s a rare occasion when it happens.
• The chores have made everything run more smoothly. We don’t rotate chores because I don’t want any fussing over whose turn it is. Drew ALWAYS feeds the dog. If the table isn’t set, it’s Porter’s ass.
• Even though they must do their chores, we thank them every now and again to let them know their efforts are appreciated, just like I thank Bill when he does something he’d do anyway, like changing a light bulb, or when he thanks me for making dinner.
• I try very hard not to bribe my kids. I’ve made it a point, for example, not to say, “If you behave while we’re in the store, I’ll get you some Skittles.” I’ve emphasized that I expect them to be good. Good behavior is the default. When they were younger, we had to leave the store plenty of times because someone was acting up, and that someone would be punished when we got home.
• On the flip side, I try to catch them doing good things and reward those with anything from kind words (”Finn, that was sweet of you to teach Drew the Green Day song on the drums”) to something tangible (”Everyone was so well-behaved in the waiting room that we’re getting ice cream!)
• I’m a huge fan of kitchen timers for keeping track of tv time, punishment time, or “your room must be clean in ten minutes, and I’m setting this timer and I’ll check it when it goes off.” The timer takes the burden off me and puts it on the kids to spring into action.
• When the kids were a lot younger we used timeout for simple infractions. One time when a child who shall remain nameless did something awful, we took everything out of his room except his bed, and let him earn back a toy every day that he stayed out of trouble at school and at home.
• We’ve also taken away a boy’s privilege of dressing himself for a week after another serious infraction. He wasn’t allowed to wear his much beloved necklace made of frayed embroidery thread. Problem solved.
• There’s a wise woman who’s raised three children I turn to for advice in when to punish and how much if I’m not sure. We don’t punish the boys by making them miss a game, for example, because that would punish the team for their mistake. We wouldn’t make them wear Mickey Mouse ears to school, because that would be humiliating.
• Bill thought this one up: he’s had the boys write “Maturity Pages” before. It’s a page long essay about what maturity means, and for serious problems he’ll assign 3 handwritten pages, for example.

Okay, that’s all I have now, and I’ve focused more on discipline for older kids. Honestly, we don’t have to do it a lot, as the boys have discovered that we mean what we say. I’ll answer questions in the comments. If this is completely adverse to your way of parenting, please don’t flame. Respectful disagreement is okay, but it’s unlikely I’ll be changing my method at this late date, although I’m always open to new ideas that fit in with our philosophy.

Remember– all kids are different, so your child might be VERY LUCKY that I am not his parent!

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Here we are outside Evelyn’s Chocolates in NYC recently. Thanks to Kayren for sending us there. The almond crunch was to die for.

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I’m posting this as part of Works For Me Wednesday over at Rocks in My Dryer. Thanks, Shannon!

January 25, 2008

Feeling Egotastical

What a delicious morning! Bill, our resident coffeemaker, is out of town, so I woke knowing I’d have to face the hated Cuisinart Grind N Brew and create something resembling java. Happily, Finn was cooking eggs and bacon and Porter had the coffee started.

His gesture wasn’t selfless. I mentioned earlier that he’s developed quite a love for the stuff, so we’ve limited him to half a cup in the morning. He began using larger and larger cups until we refined our definition to four fluid ounces plus one teaspoon of sugar, max, and reminded him where the measuring cups and spoons reside.

His coffee is just as tasty as Bill’s. I’m a lucky mom.

I’m feeling especially queenly for another reason. Nicole at Tickled Pink has posted an interview she did with me. Go check it out.

I didn’t want to freak her out by coming in just under deadline, so I left something out that I want to emphasize every chance I get. Besides E.B. White, I am obsessed with Dr. Jerome Groopman. I’ve plugged him many times before. His book Second Opinions is mandatory reading for anyone who’ll be dealing with the health care system at any point– THIS MEANS YOU!

I’ve dealt with hospitals, clinics, health care professionals and unprofessionals more times than I can count, and the simple truth is that you must keep up with your own health care, whether that means keeping up with what tests you’ve had or making sure the tubes of your blood get labeled with your name, not the bozo’s in the chair next to you.

Dr. Groopman also writes for the The New Yorker and has an allegedly interesting article in this week’s issue. I wouldn’t know; Finn stole my copy and read it. Infuriating, yet gratifying.

Anyone else hear Brian Williams talk about the new study that says taking birth control pills offers protection against ovarian cancer even after you stop taking them? Whoo hoo! I’d like to get off them and see if my migraines improve. I’ve been taking them only because of the ovarian cancer protection; perhaps I can rid myself of a medicine.

For those of you wondering exactly when it was that I decided that maybe Porter wasn’t as dumb as a stick, it’s a story called Letter Share that took place when he and Drew were in kindergarten. They’re now in third grade. Time doesn’t fly; this seems like eons ago.

Poor geography alert! Bill’s in Nebraska on business. We debated WHERE that state is before checking ourselves on Porter’s wall-size map. I was ashamed to have guessed that it was maybe to the left of Arkansas. I had the correct longitude but it’s actually two states up, just under South Dakota. I bet the folks in that fine state weren’t impressed with our tale of snow at all.

Happy weekend!

January 24, 2008

Apeshit, And Deservedly So

In Alabama, when the weatherman mentions even a minuscule chance of flurries the entire population goes nuts. The stereotype is that we all head to the store for bread and milk, but in fact a savvy snow-shopper purchases grits, cheese and crackers, lemons and limes and plenty of wine, beer and hot chocolate.

I have no qualms in admitting that I lead the pack in going bonkers when there’s a possibility of frozen precipitation. It touches something primal within me, and I picture the family together, snuggling in front of the fire, sipping drinks and playing board games. Then it’s time to head outside and build snowmen, sled (requires at least 1/4 an inch of snow), watch the males throw snowballs (no hitting Mom or I won’t show you how to make snow ice cream) and then back inside to warm up. Repeat as needed, proceeding from hot chocolate to wine to gimlets as the day progresses.

Last week we planned to go to Auburn for MLK weekend, but as the chance of snow seemed more likely, I warned Bill that I certainly would not be heading south if that meant I’d miss the most exciting weather event in a decade.

By Thursday night, weatherman James Spann’s hysteria level was approaching my own, and he released a map

that indicated we’d be half a centimeter from the swath predicted to receive three to five inches of snow if we journeyed to the country house, but a centimeter and a half away if we stayed in Birmingham.  We decided to plan to go to Auburn, but stay if the forecast made a sudden change.

We pray with our boys nightly, but that night we were even more imbued with the Holy Spirit than usual. I don’t mean to give Jesus short shrift, but we pray about him all the time, and sometimes it feels pretty rote. The last time we prayed for snow with a good chance of having that prayer answered was eight years ago, and it was thrilling to switch up the bedtime prayers a bit.

Friday, James’s certainty that some part of the state would be blanketed with white didn’t waver, and the snow swath hadn’t moved.

“You go, dude!” I screamed at the TV. “Come on, snow! Bring on the Gulf moisture and Arctic air!” I did a few high kicks and Jazzercise hip rolls for emphasis.  The boys looked at the screen unmoved.  They’ve seen green rain and red and yellow tornadoes on the weather map, but the area of pink and white meant nothing to them, no matter how much I sang “Snow, glorious snow!”

We loaded up the minivan and headed to Gold Hill.

The snow was supposed to start around noon Saturday, but I looked out the window just before ten and saw huge, puffy flakes falling through the pecan trees.

Finn had seen snow once before, but Drew and Porter had not. They spent a few minutes inspecting the snowflakes, catching them and watching them melt, checking out those that landed on the ground, and staring into the sky and letting snow fall directly onto their faces.

Then, realizing that the snow wasn’t going to last forever, they began an assembly line to collect it.

Finn came up with the idea to save it in the white trash can, but long-time readers will have no trouble guessing which twin carted all the other crap out of the shed and set up a “system” so the snow could be “processed” before it was packed away for safekeeping.

Drew served Elvis his very own snowball.

You’ll recall that the other Mrs. Glamore never throws anything away, so no one blinked an eye when she marched into the shed and pulled out three rudderless water skis, circa 1950, which the boys turned into snowboards.

Other women may not be satisfied with just an inch, but it was more than enough snow for me.

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Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: I’ve Come A Long Way, Baby