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January 10, 2008
Finn Discovers His Sixth Sense
A mother should always trust her instincts, but if I had done that last night Finn would not have made an important discovery.
I’ve always decreed that the day we arrive in New York we must eat close to home and settle in early. Boys may be bounding like kangaroos in the 150 square feet we call home once we unpack, but their energy is fleeting.
I allowed the lure of tapas and the fact that the boys were moving vertically as much as horizontally impair my judgement. At 4:30 we sallied forth toward Chelsea with visions of snarfing up lamb skewers and patatas bravas at Tia Pol, a Spanish tapas bar recommended by MetroDad. It’s a tiny restaurant featuring a hot singles scene. Bill and I already participated in that successfully in the 80’s, so our plan was to arrive just before the restaurant opened, drink sangria and feed the boys octopus and squid stewed in its ink, then head home.
Opting for a cab rather than the subway was our first mistake. The traffic wasn’t moving, and I could picture hipsters knocking off work and heading to our restaurant as we sat in traffic next to Lincoln Center.
We bailed out of the cab on 10th Avenue, where Tia Pol is located, but at 49th street rather than 23rd, over the boys’ howls of anguish.
“Twenty-six blocks is for amateurs,” Bill said.
“I’m tired and cold and I want to eat,” Drew said.
My second mistake was in walking the distance down 10th, rather than crossing back to 9th. Ninth is bustling and full of people and bodegas and bistros, which may have diverted the boys’ attention. Tenth is lined with loading docks and temporary plywood walkways. It’s also apparently the home base of all buses in the area, which filled the air with exhaust. When we passed a man smoking a joint, both Bill and I leaned in to breath some of the smoke, just for a respite from the diesel.
“That man is smoking and he’s going to die,” Porter said, having been thoroughly indoctrinated in all things tobacco at school.
“I’m sleepy and freezing and I want to die,” Drew said.
“No food is good enough to walk this far for, except maybe Do Hwa,” Finn said.
We walked for blocks and blocks, seeing nothing interesting save for one German restaurant (”The WURST restaurant in the world”). After shimmying between several more buses and crossing through a gas station we arrived at Tia Pol much too late. The place was filled with fashionable men in thick, square glasses and long-haired women without so much as a single stray eyebrow.
Though some of the customers may have had children, they hadn’t been so crass as to bring the products of their procreation with them. Ours were conspicuous with their long blonde hair and general unhappiness.
We ended up at a nearby restaurant, where our waiter was energetic and personable. He deposited drinks onto the table with a hearty “Cheers!”
After we’d devoured clams, roast chicken and pasta, Finn turned to me and asked, “Mom, do you think our waiter is a homosexual?”
He pronounced it slowly and incorrectly, “hahm-uh-sexual,” but his meaning was clear.
“Why yes, I believe he is. Is your gaydar going off?”
Finn considered this a minute, then laughed.
“Yeah, my gaydar is going off. That’s a good one.”
He grew serious again.
“Do you think people decide to be hahm-uh-sexual, or are they born that way?”
I had to think a moment about how to answer this.
“Remember when you had that green and blue GAP T-shirt that you loved, and then you decided you wouldn’t wear it to school any more because other people were saying that ‘GAP’ meant ‘Gay And Proud’?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you would have worn the shirt if you didn’t mind people saying that you were gay, even though you knew they were joking, and that it wasn’t true, right?”
“I guess so.”
“Now what if you thought you were homosexual? Would you wear your GAP shirt?”
“But I’m not!” Finn protested.
“Are you sure you don’t want to be? Can you decide right now that you’re going to be gay?”
“I don’t think so.”
“I don’t think so either,” I said. “And I’ve seen plenty of people struggle with realizing that they’re homosexual, and how it will affect their lives, and whether their family and friends will accept them, or whether they should keep it a secret. When people decide to accept the fact that they’re gay and tell people, that’s called ‘coming out of the closet.’”
“There’s a lot of code words in this gay stuff,” Finn said.
“There are, I guess,” I said. “But the point is that I’ve never seen anyone send out announcement cards saying, ‘Guess what! I’ve decided to be gay! I think it will be cool!”
Finn laughed.
“And even for grownups, it’s sort of like the GAP shirt thing. Plenty of men go out of their way to prove they’re not gay, which shows that for them, there’s a stigma attached to being gay. Bottom line, it’s hard to be different from other people and it always has been.”
We finished eating and I could see Finn mulling over the knowledge he’d gained.
Meanwhile, I was worrying about my explanation. Was it clear? Was it correct?
Yet another milestone on the motherhood path.
**Edited to add: Well, I swear! Of COURSE there are cards you can send to announce your coming out (the gay kind, not the debutante kind– I assume the Southern ladies created those years ago, in a heavier cardstock and with engraving) as well as other events, like your divorce, and … well, I think I’ll let you just visit otherannouncements and laugh for yourself!
Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: The Tattle Box
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January 10th, 2008 at 9:54 am, shokufeh Says:
Man, you’re good! When’s your parenting book coming out?
January 10th, 2008 at 10:31 am, Katie Says:
I think that’s a great answer. Just last month I had to answer my 7 year olds questions about her Aunt K and her wife, Aunt M… My explanation was along the same lines as yours.
January 10th, 2008 at 11:19 am, Candy Says:
That was a perfect explanation. You rock.
Candy’s last blog post..You Just Can?t Find Good Help Anymore
January 10th, 2008 at 12:19 pm, Alyce Says:
I actually teared up a bit reading that. It was an excellent explanation without being preachy. And you made it relevant and funny, which always helps to get things to sink in.
Well done.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:22 pm, CourtneyRyan369 Says:
Anne that might be one of the best explanations that I’ve heard yet! Great job…
I agree with Shokufeh. Parenting book please? I don’t have any intention of having a kid anytime soon, but someday - so you have time to write it.
January 10th, 2008 at 12:39 pm, laura Says:
I stumbled on your website today and am so glad I did! Bravo for raising sensitive, thoughtful little guys! I have two boys of my own and we had to have the homosexuality talk (I should say, one of them)after Dumbledore came out of the closet. That was very interesting. Thanks for the insights.
January 10th, 2008 at 1:31 pm, Aurora Says:
That was a rocking explanation, and I’m totally borrowing it for when that comes up in our house! We have talked about some kids having 2 moms or 2 dads, or one mom, etc., and that all families are different… etc., but this will be so useful in a few more years! thanks for great writing!
January 10th, 2008 at 2:02 pm, Toni-EvinNRobsMom Says:
First off, I have to tell you how much I enjoy reading your blogs. I think you are a very gifted writer, and your children are lucky to have you as their mother…this post proves my point. Thank you for sharing your trials & tribulations with us. Keep posting & I’ll keep reading!!
January 10th, 2008 at 3:32 pm, alala Says:
I think it was excellent - clear, concise, and age-appropriate. Well done, and I would totally buy your parenting book, if it’s published soon enough.
alala’s last blog post..thanks
January 10th, 2008 at 3:51 pm, Laura Says:
You rocked that answer, sister. Seriously- it was beast. (Or is it, it was *the* beast? I’m unclear on that point…)
Laura’s last blog post..I haven’t slept since aught-seven
January 10th, 2008 at 5:33 pm, Katrina Says:
Hmmm…I haven’t had to field this question yet. And just think, if you had been eating squid stewed in its own ink at your original destination, he might have been too busy making “GROSSSSS!” faces to ask it. (Or maybe that’s just my kids.) Anyway, we’re still busy explaining teen pregnancy and underarm hair. I’m sure we’ll get to hahm-uh-sexuals soon.
Katrina’s last blog post..Stranded
January 10th, 2008 at 6:35 pm, Anne Turner Says:
This fall, my newly five-year-old asked if boys can marry boys. We’d just been talking about how nice a seven-year-old was that he’d played with this summer. He has a number of girl friends he plays with often and they often want to play “get married”. So, it was an innocent enough question. I’m not sure if my answer was very good - something about People working on it right now, so that if two men fell in love with each other, they could get married.
You lost me in a few places with your answer. But following it through, I guess you’re saying that they’re born that way? Or, wait, that they decide they’re gay? Or, no, decide they’re going to wear that shirt! What you seem to be saying is that they realize they’re gay and go through quite a trial when they decide to let people know that they are, and who would ever voluntarily go through that if they weren’t. Is that right? (Trying to memorize it for future pop questions.)
You did a great job with this. I am especially impressed by your ability to come up with this on the spur of the moment! These killer questions kids ask are going to get the best of me, yet.
January 10th, 2008 at 6:37 pm, Anne Turner Says:
Also your socratic method is very admirable.
January 10th, 2008 at 8:35 pm, Rachel Says:
I spent a good three minutes trying to figure out how “water” could be homosexual. I guess I need to change my contacts.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:19 am, Cassie Says:
Well done. Bravo! You explained it with intelligence and logic.
January 14th, 2008 at 8:53 am, Jenni Says:
Well done, Anne! Will you come hang out at my house for the next few years till the news about the kids’ aunt hits????
January 14th, 2008 at 1:59 pm, Joy East of theKingdom Says:
Awesome answer!! My cousin and his partner have been a regular fixture at family functions since his “debut” several years ago. I haven’t had to have “the talk” yet because my children are so acustommed to seeing the 2 of them together & they’ve never questioned it. They are who they are and the kids seem unaffected. But if the subject ever comes up, I know where to start.
Thanks!