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February 13, 2008
What Is Love, Anyway?
I overheard a woman at Jazzercise saying that her husband can’t stand Valentine’s Day. He also hates to say “I love you.”
His theory is that she ought to know he loves her– they’re married, right?
Well, that isn’t necessarily so. I know plenty of men who have cheated on their wives or abused them, physically or verbally. Marriage doesn’t always equal love.
That’s probably not this man’s situation. Perhaps he grew up in a family that didn’t show much affection, and it’s hard for him to bare his soul and say something gooey. Maybe they do care desperately for each other but just forget to say so.
If there’s anything Bill and I have learned over the last decade, it’s the importance of letting people know you care, out loud and often. When I visited my mom in the ICU after her ovarian cancer surgery, she was breathing with the aid of an oxygen mask and her lips were chapped. I found some Vaseline and put it on her lips and then left the tube on her bedside table so the nurse could reapply it later and keep her comfortable.
“Love you,” I told her as I left. “I’ll be back tomorrow.”
I returned, and she died shortly after I arrived.
When I think back to her final days, I’m so thankful for those last words I can hardly stand it. Thank God I have that memory to cling to.
You don’t have to say “I love you.” You you can show it, too.
Bill and I do both. We say “I love you” plenty often. We don’t mind being gooey, or googly eyed, or touchy-feely.
But Bill goes further than simply telling me how he feels. He buys all the boys’ athletic equipment, including shoes, because he knows the choices and prices make me dizzy. He compliments my cooking and my ass. He brings me coffee in bed on the mornings he’s not exercising, and he tries to remember to cut his toenails in the bathroom instead of in the bed.
I thank Bill for doing the little things, like taking out the trash. When I see a recipe containing blue cheese, port or mushrooms, I cook it, because those are some of his favorite ingredients. I try to look him in the eyes and give him a smooch when he comes home from work, even if I’m juggling three pans on the stove, so he feels properly greeted.
These aren’t big gestures, but I believe they’re important. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and if that happens I want to die knowing that Bill was never in doubt about my feelings for him.
(As I was writing this column, I asked Bill to help me brainstorm ways we show our love other than saying “I love you.” He pondered the issue while buying groceries and cooking dinner so that I could get some writing done. Later we huddled up and exchanged notes. The exercise left us laughing, but feeling even more like a team. It turns out I’m much like a golden retriever, always supportive and fiercely loyal. If you mess with my husband, you’ve messed with me, and it’s going to take a while to get back in my good graces.
You might want to try the exercise with someone– it’s bound to brighten your day.)
What do you and your spouse/kids/partner/friends do to show you care? How important is it to you that someone says “I love you?”
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Listen to Howard Jones ask what love is. Which is cooler- the classic 80’s hair or his magic hands?
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Today’s was a really gooey post! Read this for some crankiness:Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Return of the Babysitter Stealer
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Also welcome: tips on Wordpress + Youtube. They don’t play together well. I’ve lost my touch on making them compatible, and the Extreme Video plugin is giving me a fatal error. Oh no!
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February 13th, 2008 at 1:53 pm, Headless Mom Says:
It sounds like you and Bill have a great relationship. All things verbal and nonverbal are important to let the one you love know you love them. One of Headless Dad’s favorite things that I do is iron his shirts. Simple. He is the morning ‘dish fairy’-all clean are put away and all dirty are washed. I always get up to a clean kitchen. Simple.
Headless Mom’s last blog post..I got it
February 13th, 2008 at 2:30 pm, You know you love chocolate… | Linksational Says:
[...] Beautiful. And I couldn’t agree more. «:» Terrifying words: “resistant to sedatives“… «:» Ouch, my mom had that when I was a kid and it is terrible! «:» I weep for this development too. Too soon, too soon! «:» Yes, he’s trying to tell you more vegetable oil! «:» Building great men one at a time. Let’s keep it going
[...]
February 13th, 2008 at 3:00 pm, Honeybell Says:
True love is when my husband comes home after working a 12 hour night shift as an Respiratory Therapist, gets the three oldest boys ready for school, and then takes them there so I can sleep in and not go out in the 10 degree weather.
Honeybell’s last blog post..Random Photos!
February 13th, 2008 at 3:06 pm, Alison Says:
What a wonderful post. I think both–verbal and nonverbal expressions of love are part of a good marriage. Different people like different ways of showing love, too. The book The Five Love Languages explains that sometimes one partner will think they’re showing love (e.g. by getting the oil changed without being asked) and the other one wants a romantic evening out, or something.
Alison’s last blog post..Don’t Blame Me for My Musical Taste; I Grew Up in the ’90s
February 13th, 2008 at 3:17 pm, Toni-EvinNRobsMom Says:
This post just about brought tears to my eyes. I am the same way…I don’t want my boys or my Significant Other to ever wonder how I felt about them. I tell each of the boys at least twice a day that I love them. And they tell me they love me too, but it’s in that I-have-to-say-it-back voice. I hope once they become young men, they’ll understand. As for the S.O., he gets a foot rub, a cup coffee on a Sunday morning. He really likes when the “Bed/Dish Fairy” had come for a visit. It’s nice to know that there are more fairies out there
February 13th, 2008 at 3:18 pm, Sister Honey Bunch Says:
This was so ooey gooey special but I loved it and it makes me want to spoon you. Just kidding. I’m totally harmless and not at all a stalker.
Great post. Carry on.
Sister Honey Bunch’s last blog post..OFFICE SPACE
February 13th, 2008 at 8:44 pm, Catherine Says:
I have to uncheck the WYSIWYG box on the users page in Wordpress and then paste the youtube code in. Something about the editor eats part of the youtube code. But, it works - I did it just last night. Email me if you want/need more detail
February 13th, 2008 at 11:42 pm, Not Afraid To Use It Says:
This was a great post. My dh came from a family that never said “I love you” aloud. My family says it a lot, and it used to bother him. We have discussed a million times over that you cannot “wear out” that word. Interestingly enough, my dh now says it even more than I do. And twice that many times to the kids. His actions are amazingly thoughtful, and the fact that he can now verbalize it has been a huge step. I am really proud of him.
Not Afraid To Use It’s last blog post..You Can’t Go Back To Constantinople
February 14th, 2008 at 7:47 am, Amanda Says:
I’m very much like you in that loyalty aspect. I recenty fought with my best friend because I felt she was disrespecting my husband/marriage and it took two weeks to clean up the mess. That’s basically the second angriest I think I’ve ever been.
Other than that, Sean and I say “I love you” a lot and we always thank each other for the little things we do (cooking dinner, taking out trash, laundry, oil changes, etc.).
Amanda’s last blog post..Rainy Wednesday
February 14th, 2008 at 9:29 am, Russ Says:
I’m glad there are other couples out there who think like my wife and me. While it is important to say “I love you” (and mean it), actually doing things to prove it is just as, if not more, important.
Russ’s last blog post..Happy Greeting Card/Jeweler/Florist Day, By Russ
February 14th, 2008 at 9:45 am, Sam in SC Says:
What a great post - it really resonated with my own experiences. Thanks for sharing.
February 14th, 2008 at 11:04 am, Kelly Says:
A great post for Valentines day.
My husband also comes from a family who NEVER, and I mean never, said I love you. Mine is the polar opposite. I yearn to hear the words, which come with difficulty for him. However, usually when I am about to the breaking point, he’ll do something like last week, when our daughter’s car was in the shop and she was driving mine and I was driving the old clunker we still have as a spare, but it leaks a little mystery fluid so it stays parked outside. When I went out to go to work I groaned, thinking I’d have to de-ice the car. He had gotten out of his truck on his way to work and cranked it for me, so it was melted and warm. I got the message.
February 14th, 2008 at 2:23 pm, Kaye Says:
It’s all about filling the need of the other person to make them fill loved. If your husband feels loved because you put away his laundry…that’s exactly what you should do although you may see no need to do such. To stop doing so would mean little to you, but may be a huge exclamation point to him. Find out who your mate is and love them how they need to be loved.
February 14th, 2008 at 3:19 pm, Kim Says:
Hi Anne! Happy Valentine’s Day =) I loved this post - I’m going to have to ask my husband tonight how he knows I love him!
It’s funny, my family is like the ones written about above - we’re always telling each other I love you. Pretty much every night (unless there’s a, uh, disagreement), I will tell my husband I love him before we go to sleep. He didn’t think it was necessary to say it EVERY NIGHT, but I think I’ve gotten him to come around to my way of thinking. I’m usually the initiator, and I’ve played the game, waiting to see if he’ll say it first. But now that I’m older (41!) and wiser, I get it that it really doesn’t matter who says it first.
I too never want to live with the regret of not letting someone close to me know how much I love and care for them. And it just melts my heart to witness the mutual admiration society between my husband and our kids - they’re definitely growing up in a household where they know they’re valued and loved!
All the best to you,
Kim
February 15th, 2008 at 2:12 pm, Mamaluv Says:
Thanks for this, Anne. It was very timely!
February 15th, 2008 at 2:36 pm, Cecelia Says:
That was a great post!
February 15th, 2008 at 11:01 pm, Daisy Says:
Great post! We had a “love you” moment when husband asked if I wanted him to change his plans and stay home for the weekend (I have the flu. Bleh). I told him no, go with your friends, and he did. Because, you know, he knew I meant it. And I knew he would’ve stayed if I’d needed him, too.
Daisy’s last blog post..shoulds are bogus, or good intentions pave to road to you-know-where