Stumble it!
August 4, 2008
Locker 101:A, Hygiene:F
I took Finn to register for the junior high this morning, and once again I praised God I do not have a girl. While we were in the seventh grade hall and I was teaching Finn how to work the combination lock on his locker (a tricky task for a lefty), I realized that the girls’ moms were weighted down with bags of supplies. I left Finn practicing his new skill while I investigated.
Dear Lord, they had brought vibrant wrapping paper, X-acto knives, sturdy rulers, curly ribbon, boas, and matching shelves for interior locker decoration. One girl had zebra paper on the back of the locker, lime green on each side (with a neat slit cut for the hook on each side) and a tiny disco ball dangling delicately from the top. It was an intricate piece of art when finished– one I could never have accomplished. A friend must have seen the horror on my face because as she walked by she whispered, “Only the girls do that. You’re in the clear.”
The twins were with us and Drew and Porter raced up and down the halls while we got Finn’s schedule, supplies, and located his classrooms. We retrieved his textbooks and were all gathered around his locker, watching him dexterously open the lock, when I smelled a pungent smell, the kind you notice when you sit too close to a hairy man on the subway.
I thought it was rather fitting that Finn was proving too much for his deodorant on the exact day we were marking a new step in his journey through academia. But as we were gathered around, watching the textbooks thud into the metal locker, I smelled each boy individually and discovered that it was Drew, my smallest, fairest child, who stank like he’d been wrestling in garbage.
I scrutinized him and saw that he was also sporting a pimple on his chin– Drew, not yet ten, proud owner of the first fully formed Glamore pimple.
Remember last spring when I had to get in the shower with my bathing suit on and go over cleanliness with Porter? I stopped short of that this time, but I did give Drew quite a lecture, and I pulled all the cleaning products out of the shower as visual aids.
“Honey, you’re doing a great job on the shampooing, so two thumbs up there. But the rest of you needs improvement. You wash your face with this poured on a washcloth,” I said, pointing to the Cetaphil. “You use the bar of soap to wash the rest of your body including what?”
“I don’t know,” Drew said.
“Your pits and your willie. Have you been washing your penis?”
He shook his head.
“Have you been washing under your arms?”
He shook his head.
“Ye gods, honey, what do you do in there? You take the longest showers of anyone in this house.”
“I like to think about songs,” Drew said.
“Okay, while you’re thinking about songs you need to wash all your parts. When you get out of the shower you rub this on your face all over. Your chin, your cheeks, your forehead.”
He nodded.
“Then you put deodorant on. At night when you get out of the shower, and in the morning before school. You can’t go around smelling like a dirty monkey.”
“That would be funny,” Drew said.
“I’m giving you one week, and if that pimple isn’t clearing up and your pits aren’t smelling better, I’m going to put on my bathing suit and walk you through it, just like I did with Porter.”
Drew grimaced.
“Now, go take a shower immediately doing everything I just said. When you’re done, I want to smell you.”
He ran.
We all did a lot of growing up today.
***************************
Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: The Breast Wars: I Devise A Winning Strategy
Posted by Anne Glamore @ 3:33 pm • Boys: Demented & Dangerous, School Today: Eraserboard Jungle Stumble it!
Stumble it!
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August 4th, 2008 at 3:54 pm, Busy Mom Says:
Lookit you and your mad photography skillz.
Love,
The Second Life
Busy Mom’s last blog post..Not what you want to hear after doing camp laundry
August 4th, 2008 at 4:04 pm, Jenny Says:
Oh gee. This post has me laughing and feeling a little sad all at the same time. Laughing because, well, your talks with the boys are awesome and the boys crack me up. A little sad because my boy is 9, and really, can we be talking about pimples and deoderant already?? I swear it wasn’t that long ago that we were talking about potty training, or starting kindergarten! I wish someone would just s-l-o-w the hands of the clock, just a smidge!! And, junior high? Oh man. Even that will be here way before I know it!
I hope that Drew is able to get his hygiene skills in order so that you don’t have to do the whole bathing suit routine. Although, I did think that was a pretty cool mom-thing that you did!
Jenny’s last blog post..Mid-Summer Slump
August 4th, 2008 at 4:06 pm, Heidi Boos Says:
I am fairly new to your blog and I am loving it! You have such a way with story telling and I crack up every time I read a post. Thanks for sharing!
Heidi Boos’s last blog post..new mode of transportation
August 4th, 2008 at 4:27 pm, Crisanne Says:
Ooo, I never thought about lockers being difficult for lefties. It’s looking like ALL THREE of my kids will be left handed, despite both my husband and I being right handed. I’ve always joked that one of us must be a closet lefty.
Crisanne’s last blog post..Finally!
August 4th, 2008 at 5:06 pm, Meredith Says:
Decorating lockers?! Sweet heavens! When I was in school (not THAT long ago) we decorated lockers for football games and Homecoming week– there was no leopard-print nonsense…is this what I have to look forward to?
August 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm, Linda Says:
Hmmm. I’m a lefty and I open my locker at work with my right hand. Odd.
I think I may end up going over the hygiene issues with one of my girls. I don’t think she EVER wipes in the bathroom. I shudder to think of the time I turn the pit/crotch reigns over to her.
Linda’s last blog post..Not An Outdoor Person
August 4th, 2008 at 8:50 pm, Dana Says:
Oh girl! I dread the day I have to have a cleanliness discussion with my boy. I think I’ll leave it up to his father…my husband is the cleanest man I know. He showers twice a day.
It’s a compulsion.
Dana’s last blog post..Part II, The Wound Is Healing
August 4th, 2008 at 9:53 pm, jen Says:
Ten? I have only three more years before this hits? Not fair! I just got him out of the holy hell toddler years!
August 5th, 2008 at 12:39 am, Shelly Says:
Oh my! My 9yr old is smelling like an old man! We have been going over washing and stuff. It kinda appears to be working…. he has limited use of his hands/arms, so it makes it challenging. His 19yr old big brother bought him a HUGE bottle of TAG to cover the smell. I still have two more boys to go through this with.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:57 am, E Bird Says:
Sheesh Anne-
I am sooooo glad that I live in California where our kids don’t do crazy stuff like this locker decorating! You do have some good looking boys-when girls step in to the picture, the hygiene will take care of itself, until then, consider the aroma female repellant. As for the boy stench, I have found that my varsity football and rugby player does best with a hamper located in the laundry room instead of the bedroom and all sports equipment (shoes, pads, etc. kept in the garage out of reach of the dog).
EB
August 5th, 2008 at 7:31 am, KHR Says:
Omigosh! I had such a deja vu when I read this post–the part about it being your 10-year-old that needed deoderant! I just went through this same issue with my now 11-year-old boy–and aside from threatening to jump in the shower with him in my bathing suit, and your enviable way with words–the whole episode was oddly familiar! Thanks for making me laugh so hard I almost sent coffee through my nose! I am sending this column/blog to my mother-in-law. She is the mom of 3 boys, and she has a plaque in her kitchen that reads, “There’s a special place in heaven for the mother of 3 boys.”
August 5th, 2008 at 9:20 am, Kelly Says:
this post made me laugh and be a little sad at the same time. Being a raiser of one-of-each, the boy first, I KNOW WHEREOF YOU SPEAK about the girls. They are also SOOOO dramatic - and just think, you’re avoiding all that first PMS crap too. Its so funny how they decorate their lockers. My daughther and her friends hardly had room for books with all the mirrors, purses, makeup, etc.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:30 am, Bhamdining Says:
Locker decorating? Oh, please tell me that’s a “little kingdom” thing and those of us out in the less-affluent suburbs won’t be afflicted…
Bhamdining’s last blog post..Impressions: Chris Z’s
August 5th, 2008 at 11:40 am, Peeved Michelle Says:
I really do learn a lot from you. I wish you did have a girl so that I could learn all that stuff, too.
Peeved Michelle’s last blog post..First Day Casual
August 5th, 2008 at 12:34 pm, Headless Mom Says:
Lockers? You are lucky! I don’t believe there is a school locker left in this state. This generation of kids are going to have the worst back problems ever.
Drew is so cute, even with a pimple!
Headless Mom’s last blog post..Yea Winners!!
August 5th, 2008 at 1:36 pm, Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children Says:
I remember VIVIDLY decorating my locker for my freshman year of high school. We got it all spiffed up with neat shelving that we eventually had to take out because when it came time for winter, there was no room for our coats.
Am I really going to have to ask my son if he’s washed his penis? Just thinking about that makes my stomach knotty.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children’s last blog post..How to murder a fly. A tutorial.
August 5th, 2008 at 4:56 pm, Joy East of theKingdom Says:
Ha Ha! I remember vividly that first day of school the beginning of my Senior Year in 1984…yes, you read that right NINETEEN EIGHTY FOUR when I wallpapered the inside of my locker at dear old “East of the Kingdom” High. It was baby blue contact paper with little pink flowers. I remember everyone stopping on the way to the lunchroom to stare at it as if I were crazy….no one else had done it. Looks like I started something way back then, huh?
As far as bathing and deoderant and pimple care, I’m having similar issues with my boy (the girls were no problem at all). Right now, he could care less how he looks (or smells!) and even at 14, the “girls don’t like stinky boys” isn’t even working.
Guess he’s gonna have to learn that the hard way, because now he’s a little too old for me to break out the swimsuit on him!
Good luck!
Joy East of theKingdom’s last blog post..My Bucket List
August 5th, 2008 at 10:07 pm, Karin Says:
Oh, I so remember that first day of Jr, High. The sweet girl (and her sweet mom) were decorating the locker “next door” to my son’s locker, and I was so amazed, pink wallpaper, and lots of glitter. On that day I actually felt happy to only have sons.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:50 pm, owlhaven Says:
So very hilarious!
Mary, mom to a couple stinky 10 year olds who might also need some shower tips!
owlhaven’s last blog post..New every morning
August 6th, 2008 at 7:21 am, Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk Says:
Crikey, I am so not looking forward to that stage with my son. I nearly fell over with shock when I noticed he had hairy legs already - he’s only 6!
August 6th, 2008 at 10:52 am, Jeanne Says:
Locker decorating with zebra prints and fancy shelving? YIKES! I’m with Bhamdining in hoping that this kind of crazy does not exist in my town. I have THREE girls and cannot imagine bringing in arm loads of supplies for locker decorating when they hit jr. high. With my oldest I’m not too concerned, but my middle girl is already a fashion diva at the tender age of 5. Hard to say which direction the youngest is headed, but I’m hoping that she starts idolizing her biggest sister and sticks to rocks and bugs as her primary interests.
Jeanne’s last blog post..Christmas In July
August 6th, 2008 at 2:23 pm, Brittany Says:
You are my new mom of boys idol!!!!
Brittany’s last blog post..Kindred Spirits
August 6th, 2008 at 2:53 pm, Karly Says:
I’m not sure if I’m disappointed that the girls in my high school didn’t decorate lockers or if I’m relieved.
Also, I love the bathing suit in the shower idea, but my son would be too busy trying to hide all his boy parts to actually wash!
Karly’s last blog post..Seeing The Moon Through My Window. Or Some Other Nonsense.
August 7th, 2008 at 7:21 pm, Jerri Ann Says:
My boys are just 3 and 5, we start Kindergarten for the first time tomorrow, and I am scared. I am an only child and my husband is as well. I never had the odor issue and the pimple issue, I had a very bad propensity to sweat but my mom caught me early enough that I avoided the smell thing. And, my husband doesn’t remember being told any of these things I just read him off your post. He had severe acne and never had anyone to help him with it.
That said, I don’t do baths now but every once in a while with my husband do it. But, I can so see me putting on my swimsuit and going through the motions with my boys because my husband is just not that kind of person.
Jerri Ann’s last blog post..Now, that alienation I mentioned…
August 8th, 2008 at 3:05 pm, Amy in StL Says:
I about fell out of my chair laughing when you asked him what he did in there if it wasn’t washing up. A couple years ago I heard my friend ask her 12 yo the same thing. Then she and I had to sit down and talk about what boys do in the shower. I’m not saying he isn’t thinking about songs, but there’s a reason that pubescent boys take long showers. Don’t worry, she never believed me either.
September 4th, 2008 at 8:40 am, My Tiny Kingdom » Science Gone Astray Says:
[...] put an immediate stop to that. Porter needs as many cleaning products on his body as he can apply in one [...]