August 15, 2008

Just Wondering

Porter: “Mom, how would the world be different if baking soda and vinegar didn’t fizz up when they’re combined?”

I had no answer for this.  Your thoughts are welcome.

By the way, Porter has learned to fashion things out of balloons.  His “Cross-Eyed Training Hat” is pictured above.  He’s looking at the camera in this picture, but if he were actually training himself to be cross-eyed, he’d focus on the orange phallic balloon just in front of him.

He says it takes his average customer (Drew) about 30 seconds to learn to become cross-eyed using his technique.  Look for the Cross Eyed Training Hat in stores by Christmas!

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Three years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Crochety Mom

July 12, 2008

Being Brave

Today would have been my mom’s 67th birthday.

I still have her birthday set on Birthday Alarm, which emails me in advance of everyone’s birthdays so I won’t let one slide.  I haven’t been able to remove my mom from the service.  It would be like removing her.

Today I’m supposed to be writing an article that’s due soon, but instead I’m gathering my boys close and thinking happy thoughts about my mom.

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Three years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Staredown at the Pool

June 2, 2008

Story of My Life

My story “Hot Enough For Ya?” is up at Lipstick. It has nothing to do with the temperature.  The tagline describes my situation well: Life isn’t all a bed of roses when you marry a stud muffin.

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Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Exhausted Mom Seeks Validation

May 9, 2008

Wallowing in Awesome

Urine sprinkles on the floor. Smelly cleats. Towels strewn about the bathroom. Boys looking for “lost” items, like the copy of Diary of a Wimpy Kid that’s in the middle of the floor. I almost fell over it.

The endless runs to Publix. The five gallons of milk per week. The chopping, peeling, sauteeing, baking and stirring, followed by, “What are these little green things in here?”

The pants that fit a month ago that now come to the top of the ankles, and then only if they are pulled precariously low on the waist. The shirts stained with blood, bleach, paint, grass and mysterious substances.

The reminders. “Did you brush your teeth? Is your retainer in? Did you feed the bird? Are the dirty clothes in the laundry hamper? When that dog dies of starvation, you’ll be the one crying, not me.”

The threats. “If you don’t eat that sliver of Brussels sprout you won’t see a scoop of ice cream until 2012. When I say put the clothes in the dryer, I don’t mean next week, I mean NOW. Do I look like a zookeeper? You feed the animals, not me. If I hear anymore arguing about computers, I’m going to slap all of you upside the head and lock you outside!”

It sounds like misery. Sometimes it is.

But then, when you’re about to run away from the lack of gratitude, you paw through a pile of school papers and find a gem that somehow makes it all worthwhile.

Hey Porter– you rock, too.
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Two years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: The Other Mrs. Glamore

April 15, 2008

All For One

The other day Porter came home from school crying.

“Drew and Jay are always making fun of me and I can’t take it anymore,” he said.

Although they’re in the same grade, Drew and Porter have always been in separate classes, and pretty much maintain distinct groups of friends. Drew has been spending lots of time with Jay lately. He’s a nice enough kid, but it’s clear he wants Drew all to himself.

So in the clumsy way that nine-year-old males behave, Jay has been making mean comments to Porter, and Porter behaves just as desired– he gets upset and runs away, leaving Jay and Drew alone to play.

Drew is miserable, too. Although he’s enjoying the novelty of his new friend, deep inside he knows it’s uncool to diss your brother. And Drew and Porter aren’t regular brothers. Although their personalities could not be more different, as twins, they’ve spent more time together than with anyone else, and they know each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

When the problem first came up, Drew and I had a talk in which I told him that friends come and go, but brothers are forever. Glamores have to stick together. If you can’t count on your family, who can you rely on?

Drew nodded his understanding, but I could tell he was intimidated by Jay and worried about his ability to withstand the peer pressure to make fun of Porter and his friends.

Over the next week, Jay continued his taunting, and Drew didn’t join in, which I counted as a victory. Porter remained pissed off, however, as he felt that Drew had an affirmative duty to tell Jay to go jump in a lake and leave his brother alone.

This led to a second pow-wow I held with both twins. I stressed to Porter that he has to stand up for himself; Drew is not his personal bodyguard. Then Drew and I discussed Jay’s failure to get the message that he wasn’t to mess with Porter. I suggested to Drew that perhaps it was time for him to say something like, “Dude, lay off my brother. He’s not bothering you. Let’s go play on the field.”

The whole incident has left me unsure of myself. My first instinct when something comes up is to teach the boys how to resolve it themselves. I can’t protect them from hurt feelings, and time has already shown that they will never agree on their choice of friends. Maybe I should have handled it differently.

Here’s hoping future therapy bills don’t prove me wrong.

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One year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: The Penis Project And More