October 3, 2008

Anne Glamore: Master Mathematician

This week we added the Maroon 5 and Counting Crows concert to our usual busy schedule of work, school and musical and athletic activities.  The concert didn’t start until 8 p.m., when the boys are usually winding down, so Tuesday afternoon I got them all jacked up on Coke and Mountain Dew so they’d be wide awake for the festivities.

Drew kept his eyes glued on the bass player.  Porter dragged Bill all over the amphitheater in order to view the show from every possible angle.  Maroon 5 flashed green lasers over the audience from time to time, which drove Porter wild with jealousy, as his latest heart’s desire is a laser pointer that he can use to burn holes in things that he refuses to identify with more specificity.

Finn stayed put, trying to achieve that “I know I appear to be with these parental units and little brothers but I don’t actually know them” look by remaining one foot in front of us at all times and refusing to look me or Bill in the eye when answering our questions.

During the break between bands, Drew, Finn and I went to check out the T-shirts (we decided to find them cheaper on eBay) and on the way back the boys waited while I stood in the line and finally used the bathroom.  I saw a girl in Finn’s class and introduced myself before ducking into a stall.  Upon hearing this, Finn came undone, and made it clear that my role was to ignore her, not to approach her, smile at her or engage her in conversation so help me God.

Finn and his friend must have talked about me at school the next day.  He reported that I “said some highly inappropriate things” while waiting in line for the bathroom.  Sure, I was reminiscing about the days before the amphitheater had seats everywhere, and had a large lawn in the back where you could toss a blanket and relax and listen to the music, but I wasn’t talking to a seventh grader about this. I was chatting up the other ladies in line.  About nineteen years ago Bill and I had gone with a group of people to a low key concert of the Jimmy Buffet or James Taylor ilk, and we spent the entire concert macking on a blanket under the stars with a live soundtrack below.  Occasionally we came up for a sip of beer and a bite of fried chicken but mainly it was lips and tongues and Sweet Baby James.

The other ladies in the bathroom line had similar tales to tell, although they may have been smooching to Randy Travis or Metallica, and I think Finn and his friend are just jealous that they are going to have to drape themselves over hard stadium seats to make out (when that time comes) instead of laying back on the grass, swatting mosquitoes, assuming they notice them, which they won’t.

This week has also been dominated by Algebra, which is Finn’s most challenging class this semester.  For a few weeks Bill was in charge of ensuring that Finn was employing appropriate study habits, while I checked up on the duo.  However, when Finn brought home a couple of bad grades and was nonchalant about them, Bill freaked out to the Nth degree and I decided that Bill was too personally invested in Finn’s success.  We switched kids and he’s now in charge of Drew and Porter’s fourth grade curriculum (and my God, Porter, George Washington Carver did a lot of great things with peanuts but he did NOT write To Kill A Mockingbird, that was Harper Lee, who hung out with Truman Capote, who was sort of a peanut, so I can see how you might get confused).

Finn has a big test today, and I am such a stellar mom that if he asks (and only if) I will write him out a practice test to help him get ready.  He has some big things riding on his grade this semester (like an apparatus that rings and dials numbers).

He had a packed afternoon yesterday.  He got home from cross country around 4:30 and I dropped him at the high school so he could play drums at the football game at 5:00, and he returned around 8:30.  By then I had thirty math questions written out, along with my answer key.  All my algebra from the 1980’s has come flooding back, so if you find yourself butting heads with an equation that contains a variable and it needs solving, or maybe graphing on a number line, or you need to apply the distributive property, reduce the numbers down to the least common denominator and solve for X, head back over here because I can help you.  My talent is wasted here, though, because algebra never comes up in the law, or at the grocery store, or while doing laundry.  I haven’t told Finn that.

Hot tip for the day:  Any number to the 0 power is 1.  I have no idea why.

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Three years ago in My Tiny Kingdom:It’s Good News, So Why Am I Crying?

September 11, 2008

Why You Should Buy Plenty Of Birthday Hats

Because you’ll need more than one for every head.

Drew steadies his boob while setting out the milk.

Porter models the Birthday Hat Mohawk

Ladies wear mohawks, too.

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Three years ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Tackled By Football

April 18, 2008

Haiku Me!

I rarely win things, but I’ve been named a finalist over at Rocks in my Dryer in the Haiku about my mom contest.

Am I the only one whose mother haunts me about my haircolor? You should hear what my dead grandmother whispers in my ear every time I pop a piece of chewing gum in my mouth. (”It’s so unbecoming, dee-ah.”)

Anyway, at least help me make a respectable showing. And my haircolor is Loreal Coleur Experte 6.3. You know you want it. (Sorry, Mom.)

Just for kicks, I’ve added a picture of me at my (fake) blondest:

May 1992 - Law School Graduation (yes, that’s Bill’s tassel hanging over my head) (Ooh - didn’t mean that the way it sounded) with my DARK roots and BIG earrings

and a picture of me this past summer

Luv ya 6.3!

You can have whatever opinion you want about my HAIR - it’s the haiku I need the votes on.

Go here to vote - I’m the second circle. Thanks!

April 17, 2008

Feathers Friday (on Thursday) - Olympic Version

The Olympic torch relay has been marred by crowds, protests over human rights, and general pandemonium. That describes the Glamore house on a daily basis, but we don’t have the huge flames, publicity and the massive police presence. I’m able to handle all of the above solo, through sometimes I resort to calling Bill at work so he can make threatening noises at the boys over the phone, but that’s only in rare instances.

The boys have read about the relay in the paper and seen the riots on TV. I’ve fielded many questions about Tibet with my usual skill (”That’s a marvelous question. You should ask Mrs. Rogers about that.”)

The topic has died down somewhat in the last couple of days. Finn is still limping about the house with a splint stabilizing his right ankle until we find out whether he is suffering from a bout of hypochondria or a small fracture. As far as his symptoms go, in general he is able to play drums and wall ball, but feels weak when asked to fold laundry or unload the dishwasher.

Drew continues to use his thirty minutes of television a day watching SpongeBob, wearing one of his two SpongeBob t-shirts (one red, one yellow). Then he’ll join the game of wall ball, muttering “fishpaste!” or “Krabby patties!” when he misses the ball. Later it’s time to read the Hardy Boys, and he shows no signs of deviating from his intense focus. I do believe he’ll read all one hundred and something books, and I’ll continue to explain what “dungarees” and “jalopys” and other words straight from the 1950’s mean, and the tragic aspect is that this knowledge will not help him on the SATs at all.

Porter, of course, has his own idea of fun, and usually that involves Feathers. He and Feathers reenacted the torch relay here in the house, although I was able to convince him to slow from a sprint into a stately walk for Feathers’s sake.

Porter was kind enough to let Feathers get her footing as she prepared to act as the flame.

And then the torch relay began.

Our torch made me thankful for our country, for the patience of parakeets and happy (for once) that Porter hordes paper towel innards along with all the other crap in his closet.

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One year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Days Before Doorknob 

(Days Before Doorknob is also available as a podcast in the player on the left sidebar)

March 26, 2008

Depraved Boys

It all started out innocently enough.

I hardboiled a bowl of eggs.

I made lots of dye. The boys got to work.

Porter, of course, dipped his allotted eggs in every color, and made gray eggs.

Drew concentrated.

Finn worked hard, too.

Their eggs were masterpieces, comparatively speaking.

The next morning the chocolate bunnies arrived.

Finn cut a hole in the back of his with a pocketknife while I marveled at his dexterity. I started to picture myself as the mother of an MD.

The hole seemed really big to me, and I felt uneasy.

Then things took a nasty turn. The boys stuffed jelly beans, which they called “‘roids,” into the bunny’s back.

They wanted to make him HUMUNGOUS.

Looks like Finn wants to be a steroid pusher, not a doctor.

What is baseball teaching our children??

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One year ago in My Tiny Kingdom: Potty-Training Nomad Style